77 July 13972

Another week has just zoomed by - but the mind of a dog never stops - I've been thinking quite a lot since last time!

First, with Mistress Liz's increased viewing of television since her maternity leave, I too have been seeing a lot more of daytime television. I put my Christmas order in for a Thighbuster "as seen on TV". Unfortunately, Master Craig has changed my food to "Budget Bites" - despite the fact that they have a similar amount of proteins, fats etc. to "Meaty Bites", they just don't taste the same. I find the basic red no-name bag in which they come a real turn-off. The upshot is that I've gone off my food and am likely to have a similar waste measurement to Ellie by Christmas time - things aren't looking very good. I also think that Master Craig may be giving Ellie her own private supply of Meaty Bites when she is locked in the garage at night - I think I can smell it on her breath in the mornings - Ellie really does have very pungent morning breath.

Anyway, back to morning television - I've seen a lot of "infomercials" on the subject of "Gardening Angels". I understand that every dog has their own gardening angel and the angel gives you unconditional love (none of this wagging your tail, sitting, staying etc. for your gardening angel to love you). I wanted to call up the number to consult my personal psychic to put me in touch with my very own gardening angel, but Master Craig said that he thought that $5 per minute is a little steep for me. He said that once I've saved my barking money up to over $5, I could call up for a minute.

However, Master Craig also said that he thought that I'd be much better saving up for a new collar with metal studs. You know the price of studded collars is really quite high. I like the look - it says "Hey, look at me cat!" But it's going to take me about 2 months to save up enough.

Whilst I'm on collars, Ellie keeps grabbing hold of my collar and tugging on me - just the other morning I was trying to catch a few ZZZ's and in the middle of teaming up with Murray (the dog from Mad About You) and meeting a couple of his friends (Fifi and Shiela - I really liked the look of Shiela, the Australian cattle dog), I found myself being propelled across the verandah by one obnoxious Ellie. Instantly, Murray, Fifi and Shiela were gone, together with our little doggie hot-tub and the doggie cocktails (a very civilized evening) - as I was propelled towards the edge of the verandah (I think that Ellie Kavorkian was trying to let me experience the first big step off the side of the verandah). Anyway, leather collars are eventually eaten by Ellie - I now sport a chain (which has at least had the effect of wearing down Ellie's sharp teeth) - but it's really hell on cold mornings to be wearing a sub-zero piece of metal around my sensitive neck.

Back to the infomercials - I need a gardening angel. I dig a few holes, I prune a few bushes - but think of what I could do with my very own gardening angel - the holes could be enormous!

I think that my gardening angel would be a Rottweiler with:

Master Craig really doesn't understand the fun that the whole family could have if I was allowed to get in contact with my gardening angel, together with coming to terms with my baser emotions.

On the other hand, I don't think that I'd like to meet Ellie's gardening angel. I reckon her angel would be a terrier with:

I think that Ellie isn't that good a match for me.

Next to some mail.

Nancy Bennett writes:

"Rogernald Dogue & Elanor Dogue-Dogue seem to be a beautiful couple. Perhaps they can adopt someday."

Funny, Ellie and I have been thinking about adopting a puppy - Ellie really gets quite clucky around puppies. Just the other day, one of Mistress Liz's co-school teachers (Mistress Anne-Marie) visted with Charlie, her Miniature Schnauzer puppy. Charlie is pretty young - about 2 months old. Well, didn't Ellie just get so excited over what amounted to something a little larger than an adult rat! And, wasn't Roger lucky to be the one who could sit outside in the cold to watch the hijinx - all because of a minor incident - Charlie really did enjoy being warmed in my mouth - you could've washed any unwanted saliva off him when he got home.

Anyway, as much as Ellie would love a puppy and I would tolerate one, Mistress Liz has stamped her feet at the prospect of a new addition - she seems to really be hung up on the idea that the only new addition will be this human twerp baby thing. I did, however, get a firm promise from Master Craig that we could have our own goldfish. My immediate response was that one swallow and it would be gone - I thought we need a bigger fish that would prove more of a challenge. But, on reflection, a fish wouldn't be a really bad thing - I have a whole lotta affection that I could expel on the little rascal. A fish, though, isn't that exciting - you can't take them for walks, you can't cuddle up to them (at least without taking an unwanted bath) and you can't have the occasional drink with one (it appears that the things are forever drinking) - no match for a dog as a pet. I told Master Craig that I'd prefer an armadillo. They seem like fascinating animals - heavily armoured with the ability to suck down a ton of ants. Failing an armadillo, I said a skunk would also be satisfactory - imagine having a machine on hand that could perfumise you whenever you annoyed it!

Well, I've got to get back to the TV - I can hear the Days of Our Lives theme starting and Kuriakis is in real trouble - oh, by the way, I heard that Australia is going to adopt the V-chip on all new televisions (so parents can control the television viewing of their children) - I'm gald that we have an old TV without the V-chip - the only way that I can tell that a movie is worth watching is when a classification comes on before it saying that it involves excessive violence, objectionable language and more than a little sexual tension. I actually need a Anti-V-Chip which blocks out stuff like the Golden Girls, Blossom, Lassie (I really can't stand the sucky dog - oh, look at me and my combed pelt and perfectly manicured nails) etc., but still leaves such gems as Get Smart, Mr Ed and Hogan's Heroes (wasn't that Colonel Klink just sooo stupid - I don't know why the Allies didn't win the war far sooner). That raises another point - I could never really understand why Wilbur and the Ed meister never wanted anyone to know that Ed could talk - I certainly haven't made it any secret that I can talk to Master Craig. Certainly, Mistress Carol really bears no resemblence to Mistress Liz, although the tricks Ed pulled on Master Wilbur do appear to sometimes resemble some of my quirky dupes on Master Craig - this house would really fall apart without me - oh, you made me miss the start - I think that Roman may have just had some more plastic surgery - he really is my favourite.

My signature

Ellie Take me to the next diary entry!

a very nice picture of me I'd be very happy if you'd sign Master Craig's visitors' book before you leave (he won't create one for me).

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