I'll start once again with the mailbag (seeing how hardly anyone writes to me anymore). Sooos writes concerning the following photo:
Sooos pines:
Dear Roge, "Our omission from the family photos was not an oversight - I was actually taking the photo and deliberately made sure that I cut out Ellie (she refused to smile since she wanted to take the photo)." Oh really....so how did you push the button, get them developed and scan them??? And Who's camera did you use??? Huh Huh??????
Sooos, you seem to have quite an irritating problem - but I'll ignore your effect on me and actually answer your question (since you rarely seem to be satisfied):
I decided that we wouldn't to talk to the girl at the counter since I didn't want her to know that I was with Ellie and I didn't want her to know that we lived with a normally reasonably nice family - she'd learn that when she developed the photos.
I got Master Craig to pick up the photos (I told him that Mistress Liz took them down and that she had already paid for them - that had the effect that he paid for them for us and will likely forget to ask for the money).
Now some queries for Sooos concering the picture below (which she sent Master Craig and which apparently had something to do with a Bible study he was involved with - I remember going a few times and getting blamed for smells that I was sure came from Master Craig):
So how did you push the button (seeing you're in the far left of the piccy), get it developed and scan it??? And whose camera did you use??? Huh Huh??????
Also, what all that muck on your shirt? Do you have an eating disorder? Where do you get your hair cut? Why do you have only one sleeve? Did a sensible dog attack you? Why isn't Matty Farrow in the picture? Was he in hospital whilst you were off having cutesy pictures taken? Why is Mistress Liz (in the middle) so tall? Has she shrunk? Why is Master Craig (right of centre) wearing such ugly glasses? Why does he seem to get better looking each day? Who are the other people in the photo? Did you get them there to make it appear that you have lots of friends?
That's worn me out a bit, but I want to give you an important message I recently came across in "How To Install Software - A 12-Step Program" by Dave Barry from his new book "Dave Barry In Cyberspace":
1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should look something like this: SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS 2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER 628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM 719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE 3546 MB RAM 432323 MB ROM 05948737 MB RPM ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM 2 TURTLE DOVES NOTE: This software will not work on your computer. 2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away. 3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says: LICENSING AGREEMENT: By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers. 4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer." 5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key. 6. Turn the computer on, you idiot. 7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key. 8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen: The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest: +-------+ +--------+ | YES | | SURE | +-------+ +--------+ 9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does God knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha." 10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message: CONGRATULATIONS The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^^ )$*!#$_$*^^&. 11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture. 12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.Well, I hope that helps - remember that if you do have trouble adopting a child, a dog is a very good substitute.
Take me to the next diary entry or show me the complete calendar!
I'd be very happy if you'd sign Master Craig's visitors' book before you leave (he won't create one for me).
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