Something special for all those dogwatchers out there - today I post the full text of an interview I recently did with Heidi Hopper (you may remember Heidi from last week's entry):
Well, over to Heidi....
Hello Roge and Elle. Heidi Hopper here. You surely remember? That famous and much celebrated Dogueywood Columnist. Gossip on all of the stars? Trademark, my large and beautiful hats?
It was my intention to interview you via E mail, but I simply HAD to meet Elle in person. Fascinating personage.
Dahlings, there is a rumor making it's way throughout Dogueywood that your mistress is making noise about ending your acting career on the screen. Is there any truth to that?
Yeah, since we started out , there's always been difficulties. The Mistress likes to rule the roost, you know.
I haven't been around as long as Roge - but I certainly agree - the rights of dogs are rarely respected at "The Compound". I actually believe that my parents didn't die in a bizarre gardening accident, but that I was snatched from them by Mistress Liz. It's all very hard to remember - not to mention painful - but I can remember a whole lot of brothers and sisters and a mum and dad - but then nothing. I think that they may have used mind unenhancing drugs on me. However, I do do my best to make them pay....
Seconded - Ellie is an extremely difficult dog to live with - you only have to look at the muck under her toenails to know that hygiene is certainly not one of her strong points. I'm also sure I saw you hanging around the plumber at the sewerage inspection hole the other day, heaven knows for what purpose.
Does it have anything to do with Elle's drinking problem? Elle, you really should learn to control yourself.
I have absolutely no problem with drinking - although Mistress Liz has been known to confiscate my still from time to time.
Well...I have been doing a bit of snooping and, dahlings, you would not BELIEVE the number of screens that have turned green in support of keeping the two of you on the screen. We just simply could not LIVE if you disappear from the public eye. Elle's escapades are simply smashing.
Thanks - I must admit that I live to entertain...
What a load of sickly sweet perfume - it's Roge's adventures that everyone tunes in for - not Ellie's current social problem.
Roge, you are just soooo self-centred - "Look at Me I'm Roger D" - go on - sing it - you know you love Grease - you know that you fancy yourself as a modern day Olivia Newton-John. You go to all these alternative music concerts with Gladys Beryl (you know, the girl who dyes her hair - don't think it's natural) - you're a pretender, Roge. If J. Mascis [Dinosaur Jr singer] or Lou Barlow [Sebadoh/Folk Implosion etc. singer] or even your buddy Malkmus [Pavement singer] ever got a sniff of you and your pretensions, they'd just laugh you off. Don't think that after I'm locked in the garage at night I don't hear you re-tuning that Ukelele of yours so that you can play Saturday Night Fever. Yeah - by the Bee Gees - it's not a joke.
I'm just laughing because you're such a loser - don't see anyone taking you to concerts. You can say what you want but you should get one of those Smashing Pumpkin T-shirts with "Zero" printed on it, because that's about as high as you can count....
[A few moments are allowed for Roge and Elle to settle]
By the way, do either of you know any deep, dark secrets that your mistress would detest seeing in print? Oh, I know, she is your mistress and you love her but.....well......I am a gossip columnist you know. Just trying to help you keep your career. Blackmail is a nasty word dahlings, but sometimes..desperate measures for desperate times and all of that.
There's just one big one.... Master Craig has been sworn to secrecy, but it slipped out when we were on a walk the other day. It appears that someone, when cleaning the house, put an unopened cannister of Pringles (sour cream flavoured) in the bin. A few days later, after a number of further deposits had been made in the bin, the full cannister reappeared inside the house and, as they say, once you pop you just can't stop....
So what's wrong with that?
How did I know that you were going to say something so disgusting - just because you choose to eat from the bin doesn't make it normal....
And, another thing. Rumour also has it that you were asked to leave the Big M a few days ago when you stopped there for dinner. There ARE discrimination laws you know.
Yeah, I was pretty annoyed by that debacle. Especially since it was all in front of Gladys. I asked Master Craig to have a look if I've got any grounds to sue, but it looks like society (at least in Australia) is happy to condone canine discrimination. It was this same problem that meant that I couldn't practice as a doctor. It appears that if they said "We don't serve dogs of your sexual preference here, or we don't serve de-sexed dogs or we don't serve furry canines, I would've had a case - I think that the employees may be specially trained so that they can discriminate against dogs with impunity.
I have friends in high places. Would you like for me to have them send the food inspectors around to do a bit of inspecting?
Actually, don't tell anyone, but Rusty 1 is trying to get a few of his "pals" together (mostly Dobermans, Pit Bulls and the like) to go to the local Golden Arches to see if he "can sort something out". These are dogs with some quite serious personality disorders - so if anyone can sort it all out - they can. Thanks for the offer though.
And I just happen to be acquainted with, note, acquainted with, not involved with, one of those stupid "shem" cats you were speaking of. You know, she/him. I could always send him/her/it around to the Big M and see if shem is asked to leave. If shem is allowed to dine there I know a WONDERFUL attorney who is marvellous with discrimination cases.
Thanks again - we can use that as a last resort.... Everyone knows that the cat won't be asked to leave.... It's funny, I even saw an advertisement for a house to rent - cats allowed, dogs not allowed - that's a discrimnation case just waiting to happen.
And if you will do a bit of snooping on that mistress of yours, there is a chance we can save your careers.
There's a lot more I know about (that Roge doesn't know)....
Yeah, sure - you get to see lots from being locked inside the garage because of your barking problem.
You're the one with the problem, Roge. Heidi, did you know that until I taught him, Roge was afraid to bark? Yeah, Master Craig told Roge the story about the little puppy who always barked "wolf". Roge was saving his bark till he had to use it - he's so highly strung. I'm teaching him to release that inner puppy - you know the one who's content to bark at absolutely anything?
Dahlings, it has been simply MARVELLOUS chatting with the two of you but I really must run. I have a deadline to meet. Keep me informed of your progress. And, incidentally, since I have access to the computer now I have my own E mail address. If any of you wish to reach me personally it is email@example.com
Ciao..or is that Chow ???Used to date one of those.
Wow, that's left me a bit breathless... It would've been a lot better if Ellie hadn't been present - she seems to substantially lower the tone.
Well, off to the mail...
First, G. Maximum Velocity writes to Young Master Elliot (OK, technically not to me, but the baby's currently having nap time - he gets very tired):
"Dere Elliot, I wud like to advize you to get a gud edjucashun like me. I am a verry edjucated dawg and am nown the world over for my world fame. I wud also like to lik the top of yor head and snuffel abowt yor nether rejuns becawse it is my perpus in life to do so. Yor parents must be verry prowd of you becawse you are such a helthy lite-grey (I am a Wymeraner and am also a helthy lite-grey, so I now wat Im tawking abowt) and becawse you have uposabel thums, wich is a distink addvantij in yor line of werk, wich is probbabbly sumthing allong the lines of crawling arround and grabbing at things. Also Im shure that we shair a hobby of eeting anithing remotly like fud that falls on the flor. Hav you tryed kat terds? They are the best! If you want to lern to wawk, I hily rekomend that you grab Rogernald Dogues tale as a way to hoist yorself up. Ha ha. (Dont tell him I sed that.) Well it is time for my nitely seshun of lieing on the cowch. I finnished my randum barking and destruktivness activitees erlier and Iv cairfully observed my Fud Person at the clossest possibel rainj as he ait his dinner. That was all verry tiering and now I am pritty shagged owt. Sniffs and liks, Max"
Max, you really MUST use a spell checker - despite your edjucashun (sic.) you really didn't spend much time concentrating, did you?
I will definitely NOT pass on your suggestion re. "kat terds" to Young Master Elliot - you sound like you're channelling Ellie's thoughts (especially the "randum barking" and destruktivness activitees). Also, I see that you're recommending my tail as an appropriate means of gaining elevation. This is another thing that Elliot just doesn't need to know.
Nevertheless, thank you for your most informative "insights" into the canine predicament.
Next to Bear and April:
"Long last our summer fun is comming to an end. It is August 18th. Next week our junior master Chris starts back to school. We don't think it's like obediance school though, because he gets lunch and brings home lots of book. (Which we would chew if our teacher gave them to us.) Chris said he is in the fifth grade and has seven to go. Our school went for a short time. Just shows dogs are smarter then people, we need less schooling. I thought master Don was being nice when he said we should show Bear in the county fair this week. Then April told me about how they put you in a cage by yourself in a room with other dogs in their cages for six days. I was ready to leave home and live with Samantha. It would have been fun to walk around the fair and sniff and eat all the good food though. Just heard Chris's older sisters say they think we need our fall baths. I like to get wet as long they don't add soap, but April (a Lab.!) hates water. Well time to go out for our nightly walk around the neighborhood. Hope to send you some more pictures soon. Maybe a pictures of our masters. When to sniff or not to sniff a visitor, that is the question. You know it's the wrong time when you get yelled at. From Northeastern Ohio Bear and April"
Aha, that age-old sniffing dilemma. I solved it awhile back. The answer is 42 - or at least I read that in a book (I do occasionally read things other than tawdry romance novels).
Your school comments are interesting - Master Craig and Mistress Liz used to take us to class in a small park when we lived in Hurstville, Sydney. The other dogs used to get time off the lead - not me, though. Then I remember visiting a huge complex of doggy classes in a massive park near Penshurst, Sydney. We were meant to be just having a look - then Master Craig took me about 600 metres from the classses to let me off the lead - well, you can guess the rest. I reckon I have a 6 second advantage over Master Craig per 100 metres - it was probably even more then (I've become a little huskier in my old age) - that means that I had more than 36 seconds with all the other dogs - more than sufficient time for a sniff and a cheerful return to Master Craig on a job well-done.
Next to Fritz:
"Hey Roge Hello again, it's me Fritz. I've requested twice to be put on your mailing list, but still no reply. I'm starting to get as angered about this as I am at Master Corey's inability to get my page up (he says he's having enough problems with his own page). So please start informing me of new entries. And by the way, did you not get my last E-mail? I read your next diary entry, but my e-mail wasn't there. Oh well. Happy Cat-Attacking, Fritz"
Fritz, you're a bit highly strung! I put you on the list ages ago - so I suspect that there may be something wrong with with your email address - please check it and get back to me. Obviously I'm getting your email, but I just forgot to put up your last message:
"Hi!" Hello again Roge! Just writing to let you know that what Ellie's making with the potatoes is called "Vodka" (I here it comes from "Russia?"), and ask how you're doing. I myself am fine, though I haven't gotten to try those scenarios with the cats yet. Master Corey has returned from his vacation, and he's lavishing me with pets. But, he has started walking me around the yard and telling me to "sit" and "stay," what do those words mean? Also, am I on your mailing list? I sent you my e-mail address last time, firstname.lastname@example.org, so if I am, please respond. Hope you're well, Fritz"
Were the pets tasty?
The "sit" and "stay" commands are an interesting one. I've been wondering about them for some time. I think I've worked it out -
SIT = "Do you like the shade of my eyes?"
STAY = "Was that a possum I just saw?"
Hope that explains them.
Until next time....
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Take me to the next diary entry or show me the complete calendar!
I'd be very happy if you'd sign Master Craig's visitors' book before you leave (he won't create one for me).
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