It has been said that America was discovered by Europeans or at least by Celts who used to roam the seas in search of new sources of mead. Several studies have uncovered Runic inscriptions on rocks in Virginia, Delaware and New York, a kind of pre-Columbian graffiti never appropriately deciphered. The late Armbruster Beil of Amsterdam Konzertegebrau posited that the graffiti merely said something to the effect of "We have arrived," although more recent examinations of East Cost Runes (excluding discos) have translated several of these messages as "Bloods Rule, Cryps Drool".

Despite widespread claims to the contrary, it does seem plausible that pre-European settlers, perhaps Africans or Polynesians also explored the coasts and went somewhat in-land. In the words of the Spanish Conquistador Fernand Desoto: "Si yo es el primero, el segundo tener que ser una jugador del futbol".

One peculiar aspect of all these peregrinations is the idea that someone discovered America. In the 1950s, Americans attributed the discovery to Christopher Columbus upon the three vessels Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria. The story goes, they were looking for the shortest route to India and accidentally happened upon the Caribbean. If that truly were the case, we would have to regard Srs. Columbus Et Al as extremely dimwitted, since the Caribbean is not even in the same hemisphere as India. Such rubbish!

America, it can be argued, has been settled since the days of Adam and Eve. In fact, if the Garden of Eden was in Africa as a growing number of archaeologists believes, then Adam and Eve may have been the first Americans, having been set outside the gate "East of Eden" (See map of the world or take author’s word for it.) If not Adam and Eve, then America must have been settled no later than the days of Abraham by a similar logic, that it is said and often written that Abraham is the progenitor of all nations. (But note, the author has discovered a bona fide document that proves conclusively that certain Asian tribes landed in America about the time of the Garden of Eden.)

Skipping ahead to the 15^th century, there was a sudden flurry of European settlement in America between the 1490s and 1600s including a succession of explorers including, Columbus, De Soto, Balboa, Ponce De Leon, Hudson, The Bee Gees, Francis Drake and the little known explorer Horatio Round, for whom the shape of the earth was named. It was Round who in 1526 was shipwrecked in the Sandwich Islands while attempting to circumnavigate the globe. His ship, the HMS Royal Foreplay, was stuck on a large coral wreath in the Pacific. It was in this incident that hamburger meat - the staple of the American diet - was invented in commemoration of the date on which Round went aground, lightly translated into round aground and then ground round. It was during his period of shipwreck that Lord Horatio found a stone upon which were written the words (translated from the original cunieform) The West Is The Best.

From this he realized that the owner of the tablet was a Persian sailor lost at sea who found in the hold of his ship a blank stone tablet, writing upon it a note concerning where he was before he became lost at sea. Lord Horatio later died and his evidence with him. But it becomes clear that the Persians found America even before either the English or the Dutch.

Interest in the subject of America’s discoverers (and just about everything else) waned in 1951 with the establishment of the first MacDonald’s restaurant. But recently a professor Frank Nolo of the University of Florida posited that the earliest explorers of America were Japanese tourists after the invention of the first crude camera in the year 3,000 BC. Explorers on the now legendary ship Disneytsu Maru arrived in what is Long Beach Harbor California today and took photographs for over an hour before reboarding their square rig and returning home.

Next: How America Was Misplaced By Sr. Amerigo Vespucci

Tory U. Schisks
March 1999