Things I learnt from the movies:
- Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
- Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
- When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.
- If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices in your house move away immediately.
- If your friends speak to you in Latin or any other language that they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, run.
- When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off or go it alone.
- As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
- Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
- If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that "it's just the cat," leave the room immediately if you value your life.
- If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
- Do not take *anything* from the dead.
- If you find a town that looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
- Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
- If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
- If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
- Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
- If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
- Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, stapleguns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from your deceased companions.
Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.
Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.
Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter (also called the silhouette of passage). The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this
Cartoon Law IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for
whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
Cartoon Law V
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Cartoon Law VI
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.
Cartoon Law VII
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its
Cartoon Law VIII
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
Cartoon Law IX
Everything falls faster than an anvil.
Cartoon Law X
A sharp object will always propel a character upward.
Cartoon Law XI
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.
Cartoon Law XII
Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths. Their operation can be wittnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large
vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall,
causing the neck to strech. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until
such time as it strikes the ground.
Cartoon Law XIII
Any given character (e.g. Bugs Bunny), dressed as a woman, is completely irresistible to any other character (eg. Yosemite Sam) despite the
Ten reasons why "Scooby Doo" was a drug-influenced cartoon:
- Scooby and Shaggy were always being freaked out by ghosts and ghouls, but no one else saw them before Scoob and Shaggy.
- Scooby and Shaggy always had the munchies.
- Shaggy always thought Scooby was talking and was the only one who could hear him and understand him.
- Scooby and Shaggy always fell into the trap that was intended for the monster because they were tripping over themselves and couldn't see where they were going.
- They were always deluded and warped by thinking they were dressed up in some costumes and entertained the monster.
- Shaggy always said "like" to the extreme, i.e. "like ZOIKS, Scoob, let's get outta here!!" What's a zoik?
- Scooby and Shaggy were always the ones in the back of the van (doing who knows what).
- They drove around in the MYSTERY MACHINE, which had that weird trippy design on its side.
- Shaggy and Scooby were always giddy and laughing.
- Look at Shaggy; the way he dressed, his goatee, enough said.
Steven Wright Quotes
- I got a postcard from my friend George with a picture of the entire earth. On the back he wrote, "Wish you were here!"
- Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was the suspect.
- When I die, I am leaving my body to science fiction.
- I like to bring a flash light to the movies and just have all the rows move down for no reason.
- I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. What do batteries run on?
- Why is the alphabet in that order?
- I like to tease my plants when I water them. I like to water them with ice cubes.
- Every once in a while I like to stick my head out the window and smile for a satellite picture.
- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
- I used to be a proofreader for a sky writing company.
- I have a telescope on the peep hole of my door so I can see who is at the door for 200 miles.
- I have an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and someone calls me up the hear a recording of a busy signal.
- I like to leave messages before the beep.
- I have a map of the U.S. that's actual size. It says 1 mile = 1 mile.
- I walked up to this girl in a bar and asked "Do you live around here often?"
- You know when your sitting in a chair and you lean back so you're on just 2 legs and you almost fall over and at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
- I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.
- One night a jet flew a little too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen and the stewardess told me to sit down.
- I had a 3-year old puppy and I named him "Stay".
- One morning my girlfriend asked me if I slept good and I replied "No, I made a few mistakes."
- When I was little, in my backyard we had a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.
- One time the police stopped for speeding and said "Don't you know the speed limit is only 55 mph?" I said, "I know, but I wasn't going to be out that long."
- I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day, because that means it will be up all night.
- When I get real, real bored I like to go downtown and get a good parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
- I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.
- I went to the cienama. Adults for $5 and children $2.50. I said all right give me 2 boys and a girl.
- I went to a place to eat that said "Breakfast Anytime". So I ordered french toast during the Reniansance.
- I've been doing some extremely abstract paintings. No paint, no canvas. I just think about it.
- The ice-cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter Skelter.
- When I hear a baby, I always write down the noises he makes, so later I can ask him what he meant.
- I put tape on my mirrors in my house, so that I won't accidently walk through another dimension.
- I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and I almost went back in time.
- I put a new engine in my car, but I didn't take the other one out. Now I can go 500 mph.
- I took my headlights off & put strobe lights on. Now when I drive at night it looks like I am the only one that is moving.
- I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay in front of the fire for the evening in 8 minutes.
- My friend George is a radio announcer and when he walks under a bridge you can't hear him talk.
- I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
- I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
- There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
- I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
- I installed a skylight in my apartment....The people who live above me are furious!
- The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun...She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
- Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."
- My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
- I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
- I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
- I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
- Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
- I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him..."Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
- I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
- The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
- If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
- They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...
- I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
- My school colours were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
- When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
- I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
- After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
- I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.
- I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
- I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
- Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Things I Learned From Video Games
- There is no problem that cannot be overcome by violence.
- If it moves, KILL IT!
- Piloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training.
- One lone "good guy" can defeat an indeterminate number of "bad guys."
- "Bad guys" move in predictable patterns.
- Except for "bosses," most "bad guys" can be dispatched with one hit.
- You often fare better against a large mob of "bad guys" then against a "boss" in one on one combat.
- If you see food lying on the ground, eat it.
- You can smash things and get away with it.
- Smashing things doesn't hurt.
- Many nice things are hidden inside other things.
- If someone dies, they disappear.
- The operation of a weapon is a simple and obvious procedure.
- You never run out of ammunition, just grenades.
- Death is reversible (but only for you!).
- Ninjas are common, and fight in public frequently.
- Whenever huge fat evil men are about to die, they begin flashing red or yellow.
- Although the enemy always has more aircraft than you, they fly in elaborate patterns which make it easier for you to shoot them all down.
- The enemy always leaves weapons or powerups lying around for no reason other than so their bitter enemy can pick them up and defeat them with it.
- Shoot everything. If it blows up or dies, it was evil. If it doesn't, try and pick it up - it was probably a powerup or bonus.
- When racing vehicles, do not worry if your vehicle crashes and explodes. A new vehicle will appear in its place.
***** Please note that this entertainment matters page is regularly updated *****
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