The Hidden Brain Damage Scale (How to tell if your brain is damaged...)
- People tell me one thing one day and out the other.
- I can't unclasp my hands.
- I can wear my shirts as pants.
- I always lick the fronts of postage stamps.
- I often mistake my hands for food.
- I'd rather eat soap than little stones.
- I never liked room temperature.
- Most things are better eaten than forgotten.
- I've lost all sensation in my shirt.
- I try to swallow at least three times a day.
- Walls impede my progress.
- I can pet animals by the mouthful.
- My toes are numbered.
- I can find my ears, but I have to look.
- I'd rather go to work than sit outside.
- When I dance, I have two left thumbs.
- My cup does its job TOO WELL.
- I have more feet than my shoes.
The Warning Signs Of Insanity
- You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
- Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
- People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
- You laugh out loud at funerals.
- Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through your scuba mask.
- You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child.
- Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"
- You like cats. Especially with mayo.
- You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.
- You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.
- You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.
- Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
- Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it.
- Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
- Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"
- You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity.
Things to do in an elevator
- Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
- Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
- Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
- Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
- Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
- Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
- When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
- Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
- Do Tai Chi.
- Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
- When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
- Give religious tracts to each passenger.
- Meow occassionally.
- Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
- Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
- Scream out "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
- Walk on with a cooler/esky that says "human head" on the side.
- Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
- Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
- Start a sing-along.
- When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
- Play the harmonica.
- Shadow box.
- Say "Ding!" at each floor.
- Lean against the button panel.
- Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
- Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
- Bring a chair along.
- Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
- Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Sayings to live by
- Indecision is the key to flexibility.
- There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
- Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
- The facts, although interesting, are normally irrelevant.
- The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
- Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
- Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
- Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
- Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
- One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
- No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.
Marriage: The Final Frontier
Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
Excuses to miss a day of work
- If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
- I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half
back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of
space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the
explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the
polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house
while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up
newspaper. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
- My stigmata's acting up.
- I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work.
- I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we
have that deadline to meet...
- Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
- The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me
this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
- I prefer to remain an enigma.
- I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
- I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
Rita Rudner's "Guy Guide"
- Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
- Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world
where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
- Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when
he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he
can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players
from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get
off the phone in case they call him.
- All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
- Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can
learn in private; in public they have to know.
- A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men
usually have jobs and bathe.
- Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen
a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me
out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
- Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually
on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
- If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or
more types of lettuce, he is serious.
- If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a)
got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in
for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on
cocoons and butterflies.
- Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem.
"Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a
challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love
you...I want to marry you...I want to have your children." Sometimes
they leave skid marks.
- When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight,
she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from
his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
- Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With
female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause -
you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
- Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
- All men would still really like to own a train set.
***** Please note that this personal matters page is regularly updated *****
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