Student matters


The Employer Rejection Rejection Letter

Mr Hoerck
Stimpson Enterprises
Sydney NSW
Australia 2000

Dear Mr. Hoerck,

Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your company.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation.

I look forward to seeing you shortly.

Sincerely,

XXXXXXXX


12 ways to fail your exams

  1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "Oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

  2. If it is a maths/science exam, answer in essay form.

  3. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

  4. Play a Gameboy.

  5. Bring pets.

  6. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

  7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

  8. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For maths/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

  9. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

  10. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

  11. If the exam is maths/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

  12. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.


A poem for all students


                  The Night Before Finals
                  =========================

                Twas the night before finals,
                And all through the college,
                The students were praying
                For last minute knowledge.


                Most were quite sleepy,
                But none touched their beds,
                While visions of essays
                Danced in their heads.


                Out in the taverns,
                A few were still drinking,
                And hoping that liquor
                Would loosen their thinking.


                In my own room,
                I had been pacing,
                And dreading exams
                I soon would be facing.


                My roommate was speechless,
                His nose in his books,
                And my comments to him
                Drew unfriendly looks.


                I drained all the coffee,
                And brewed a new pot,
                No longer caring
                That my nerves were shot.


                I stared at my notes,
                But my thoughts were muddy,
                My eyes went ablur,
                I just couldn't study.


                "Some pizza might help,"
                I said with a shiver,
                But each place I called
                Refused to deliver.


                I'd nearly concluded
                That life was too cruel,
                With futures depending
                On grades made at school.


                When all of a sudden,
                Our door opened wide,
                And Patron Saint Put-Off
                Ambled inside.


                His spirit was careless,
                His manner was mellow,
                All of a sudden,
                He started to bellow.


                "On Cliff notes, on Crib notes
                On Last Year Exams.
                On Wingit and Slingit
                And Last Minute Crams."


                His message delivered
                He vanished from sight.
                But we heard him laughing
                Outside in the night.


                Your teachers have pegged you
                So just do your best.
                Happy Finals to All
                And to all a Good Test.


The University Food Chain


THE DEAN
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God

THE FACULTY HEAD
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a shunting engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if he knows where the stumps are
Talks with God

PROFESSOR
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful a shunting engine
Is faster than a speeding BB gun shot
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if a special request is honoured

SENIOR LECTURER
Barely clears a hut
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God

LECTURER
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water
Talks to animals

TUTOR
Climbs walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays russian roulette
Walks on thin ice
Prays a lot

GRADUATE STUDENT
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls

UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the choo-choo"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself

FACULTY SECRETARY
Picks up tall buildings and walks under them
Knocks locomotives off track with a sneeze
Catches speeding bullets in teeth
Parts larges bodies of water
IS GOD


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