Chistian jokes

Christians often have trouble telling jokes regarding Christian matters - I don't.


Comparison of Philosophical Theories in the Late 20th Century

Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Anglican - They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
Atheism - There is no toy maker.
Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you are in
            big trouble if we catch you selling yours.
B'Hai - All toys are just fine with us.
Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
Taoism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.
Hedonism - To heck with the rule book!? Let's play!
Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
Southern Baptist - If your toy is a Disney product, you have a one-way 
                   ticket to Hell.
Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.
Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's
                        just play with them.
Agnosticism - It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of
              difference.
Unitarian Universalism - We still haven't decided if the toys exist.


Jesus v. Elvis

Biblical scholars have been trying for years to understand the relationship between two focal points of western religious inspiration:

Jesus and Elvis.

So here is a summary of the comparison:

Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)

Jesus is the Lords's shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.

Jesus was part of the Trinity.
Elvis' first band was a trio.

Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)

Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.

Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37)
Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)

Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
Elvis had irregular eating habits.

"[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." (Matthew 28:3)
Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightening bolts.

Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate Conception High School.

Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.
Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still considered to be his foremost recordings.

Jesus was the lamb of God.
Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.

Jesus' Father is everywhere.
Elvis' father was a drifter.

Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.

Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.


God's login session

--------------------- Let There Be Light! ------------------- :Let there be light!

#You have not signed on yet.
:God. 
#Enter user password.
:Omniscient. 
#Password Incorrect. Try again!
:Omnipotent.
#Password Incorrect. Try again!
:Technocrat. 
#And God signed on 12:01 a.m., Sunday, March 1.
:Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again!
:Create light. 
#Done.
:Run heaven and earth. 
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
Enter command or for more ! 
#And God signed off at 12:02 a.m., Sunday, March 1. 
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50. 

#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Monday, March 2.
:Let there be firmament in the midst of the water and 
#Unrecognizable command! Try again!
:Create firmament. 
#Done.
:Run firmament. 
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. 
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Monday, March 2. 
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60. 

#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.
:Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place 
and let the dry land appear and 
#Too many characters in string specification! Try again.
:Create dryland. 
#Done! :Run dryland.
#And God created Earth and Seas. And God saw there were 0 errors. 
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Tuesday, March 3. 
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.

#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.
:Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night. 
#Unspecified type. Try again!
:Create sunmoonstars. 
#And God created Sun, Moon, Stars. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54:00.

#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Thursday, March 5.
:Create fish. 
#Done.
:Create fowl. 
#Done.
:Run fish'nfowl.
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that 
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged 
fowl after its kind. 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45:00.

#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Friday, March 6.
:Create cattle. 
#Done.
:Create creepy things.
#Done.
:Now let us make man in our image. 
#Unspecified type! Try again.
:Create man. 
#Done.
:Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have 
dominion over the fish of the sea and over of the fowl of the air and over 
every living thing that creepeth upon the earth. 
#Too many command operands! Try again.
:Run multiplication. 
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
:Insert breath. 
#O.K.
:Run multiplication. 
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
:Move man to Garden of Eden. 
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
:Create Gard.En. 
#Done.
:Move man to Gard.En . 
#O.K.
:Run multiplication. 
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
:Copy woman from man.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
:Insert woman into man.
#Illegal parameters. Try again!
:Insert man into woman.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
:Create desire.
#Done.
:Run multiplication.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create freewill.
#Done.
:Run freewill.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Undo desire.
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
:Destroy freewill.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Help!
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Create Treeofknowledge.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create good'nevil.
#Done.
:Activate evil.
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning: System error in sector E95. Man'nwoman not in Gard.En.
#1 errors.
:Scan Gard.En. for man'nwoman.
#Man'nwoman cannot be located. Try again!
:Search Gard.En. for man'nwoman.
#Search failed.
:Delete shame.
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
:Destroy freewill.
#Freewill an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
:Stop!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Break
:Break
:Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR
DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE SIGN OFF.
:Create new world.
#You have exceeded your allotted file space. You must destroy old files 
before new ones can be created.
:Destroy earth.
#Destroy earth. Please confirm.
:Destroy earth confirmed.
#COMPUTER DOWN. COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME ON SUNDAY MARCH 8 AT 
6:00 A.M. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW!
#And God signed off at 11:59 p.m., Friday, March 6.
#And God saw he had zero funds remaining.


The Number of the Beast...Extrapolated

OK, you know that 666 is the Number of the Beast, but did you know that:

660Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVIRoman numeral of the Beast
666.0000Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666Number of the Millibeast
/666Beast Common Denominator
1010011010Binary of the Beast
6, uh... what was that number again? Number of the Blonde Beast
1-666Area code of the Beast
00666Postcode of the Beast
1-900-666-0666Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
$665.95Retail price of the Beast
$699.25Price of the Beast plus sales tax
$769.95Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$656.66Target price of the Beast
Route 666Way of the Beast
666FOven temperature for roast Beast
666mgRecommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
Netscape 6.66 BetaBrowser of the Beast
i66686CPU of the Beast
666iBMW of the Beast
DSM-666 (revised)Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668Next-door neighbour of the Beast

Found! Lost diaries of Noah

425 b.c. Day One

Dear Diary,

     First day at sea. Whew! Just made it under the wire. The animals seem
happy, but the lions and tigers are beginning to become restless, and it
was a bad idea to put the rhinos, hippos and elephants on the starboard
side, and the birds, insects, gerbils and hamsters port. Took some work to
"straighten" that one out, har har. Too tired to talk to God tonight. (Get
Him started about the furies of His judgement, and He just goes on and
on...) So, off to bed...



425 b.c. Day Three

Dear Diary,

    Rain has stopped, finally, and there's not a whole lot of land left to
see. Saw a whole village's worth of people, all tied together in a pitiful
attempt to save their own lives through common struggle. Sure glad I read
those books about building my own shelter and surviving the Apocalypse; now
if I can figure out what "canned rations" and "ferroconcrete bunkers" mean,
I'll be in business.
     Shem lost his left hand to one of the lions yesterday. God provided
food, all right: a thick, mealy white powder that you could almost eat if
you added a little salt water. The budgies didn't like it, though, and the
koala bears kept yelping for fresh eucalyptus leaves.



425 b.c. Day Seven

Dear Diary,

     Time to sweep the decks. No time to write.



425 b.c. Day Seventeen

Dear Diary,

     God decided to "help" by giving me the power to understand the
animals' speech. Imagine over fifteen thousand married couples, forced to
live in cramped and confined conditions, squabbling over how much yummy
white powder mixed with sea water they get to have. They also whine about
how good they used to have it, on the green earth, eating trees and nuts
and berries and each other. Can't sleep at night.



425 b.c. Day Twenty-Two

Dear Diary,

     Got so sick of white powder that we skinned and ate the unicorns. This
caused quite a ruckus in the equestrian section, and morale among the cows
and chickens has sunk to a new low. God has helped the situation somewhat
by confusing the thoughts of the higher primates, thus keeping them from
undoing the knots on their cages. Only problem is that they know they're
being kept from thinking, and all I hear are anguished cries of "What are
they _doing_ to us?" Meat was stringy anyway, and tasted like sandal
thongs.



425 b.c., Day Thirty

Dear Diary

     Can't sleep. Can't eat. Quelled mutiny by executing the centaurs as an
example. Oldest son has developed strange religious beliefs based upon the
frustrated mating cycles of our hyenas. Sight of humpbacked whale off port
bow excited animals into thinking that God had sent it to destroy me and my
family. Daughters are tempting me with their wicked ways. The night has a
thousand phantoms that torment my soul.



425 b.c., Day Thirty-Eight

Dear Diary

     I can't be-LEEVE what happened today. You know Bobby Forester,that
rilly cute guy in chemistry class? Get this: he walked over to where Sondra
and I were talking, and he asked me out to the new James Dean movie with
him! God, can you be-LEEVE it? Sondra was _mortified_! (And I know she digs
guys with motorcycles, like, you know she went to see "Wild One" something
like twenty jillion times? She's gonna grow up to be a skag, doncha
know...)  So now she's mad a me, but I gotta get some new crinolines
because my old ones got chocolate syrup poured on them last week at the
drive-in, so....



425 b.c. Day Thirty-Nine

Dear Diary,

     Becoming steadily less connected with day-to-day matters. Read
yesterday's entry, thought someone else had written it. Had vision of
strange birds. Have forgotten what land looks like. See no hope; God has
forsaken me. Tomorrow I shall go into the hold and begin putting the
animals out of their misery, and ending this charade once and for all. I
shall begin with the gryphons and dragons.


Things that would be different if the twelve Apostles had been gay

  1. The 'Sermon on the Mount' would be a musical
  2. Priests would get married ... wait a minute ... never mind
  3. The Gospels would be Matthew, Mark, Luke and Bruce
  4. Mary's hair would be FLAWLESS
  5. The Temple would not have been cleansed of money changers, just re-decorated
  6. The water at the Wedding Feast of Cana would have turned into dry martinis with just a splash of Curacao for color
  7. The Triumphal Entry just SCREAMS for a drag number
  8. Replace the 'Beatitudes' with "Fabulous are they..."
  9. The Last Supper would have been a brunch