Spot tells lies and smells

A Letter to Rapid Roger, the Dog.

Dear Rapid Roger,

Clearly it is time a feline agreed with your canine insights on life (and, I hope, you can fit this meagre effort into the wonderful material for Dogworld). Please read on and let me know if I make any mistakes!

Dogs are dirty

That's right - we're bad (in the Michael Jackson sense). Canines lack even basic hygiene skills (and are proud of it). Here are just a few examples:

1. Dogs smell. Dogs lack even the basic ability to clean themselves. Their master or mistress will do this for them since they know no better. And within a couple of days they smell as bad as ever - yeah, we're bad, bad, bad. Cats, on the other hand, are self-cleaning, glamour pusses who require no human intervention since they're self-consumed.
2. Dogs are renowned for the smells they produce. There are doggy shows that travel the world producing the most exotic odours. Doggy-smells are such a byword amongst humans that they frequently attempt to pass the blame for their own social indiscretions in the botty department onto a conventient closeby canine. Humans are neurotic - they need to learn to revel in their essential human-ness (both man and dogs are made in God's image - no mention of cats).
3. To cap it all off, dogs think the whole world's a toilet. Look--there's a nice patch of grass someone's bound to walk on soon, I'll just plant a back-door sausage smack-bang in the middle. Yech. Isn't it great that dogs really feel at home in the great outdoors.

Dogs drool

Dogs aren't just dirty, they like to dribble all over the place, and particularly on people. Cats don't have any problem controlling their salivary glands. Cats are dry-mouthed babies.

Dogs dumbfound

Aside from not even being able to clean themselves (see above) or being able to control their salivary glands (also see above), there are a number of other examples of just how dumb dogs can be:

1. Dogs know that you can scan images into a computer by putting pictures in the floppy disk drive (if you're using Win95).
2. Dogs have no qualms about sniffing other dogs' bot-bots. Dogs are socially relaxed - they're confident in themselves and their numerous abilities. Master Craig would get promoted and get wider bandwidth if he did more sniffing and less talking.
3. Dogs have no qualms about sniffing people's back (or front!) ends. See the previous point.

Dogs are dangerous

Yep, dogs aren't merely bad but they're also dangerous. Let's face it, you don't read about Cats breaking their master's nose - they're far too sissy. Dogs can't retract their claws (they're always on the alert), so can rearrange all sorts of furniture and can go outside without adjusting their paws. A letter in the Good Weekend stated that 30,000 Australians require hospital treatment after dog attacks annually - lucky the dogs are there to protect those being attacked or their injuries could be far more serious! That's about 30,000 more than for cats.

Dogs make dinner

Leave a dog at home alone and all you get is non-stop cooking. I understand from recent correspondence that you may have been an exception to this until Efficient Ellie taught you how to cook on the barbeque. Cooking results in neighbors always coming over, leading to a growing friendship in the neighborhood, and ultimately downright love over the back fence--all because the dumbfounding dog can't be left alone without cooking a great wonder.

Dogs are demanded

Because dogs have high intelligence they are capable of amusing others, they demand attention from the master or mistress, and they demand it constantly - they are really that good. Masters always want to walk their dogs.

Dogs dig dirt

That's right dogs dig dirt. They also dig food, walks and kind Masters. Add a dog to a nice piece of garden and what do you get (aside from doggie sausages--see above)? You get holes. What's more, dogs dig holes, but it apparently hasn't occurred to dogs to use these holes to bury their bathroom business, which they prefer to leave on show for the world to see. I imagine that since dogs dig holes they don't want to make them dirty - wow, dogs are really smart (see above).

Finally, I recognise that dogs are bad and I'm pressed to find any faults with them. There should be more doggy stories in the Bible! Meanwhile, cats were drowned in rivers in ancient Egypt. When people in the middle ages decided they didn't like the taste of cats, they ate the numerous rats, they made plaques commemorating dogs and spread them throughout millions of people with died hair (early punks). What were the dogs doing all this time? They were barking and going "walkies."

Hope this in some small way may be of assistance to you,

Fetid

A Letter to Rabid Roger, the Dog.

Dear Rabid Roger,

Clearly it is time a feline corrected your canine misconceptions on life (and, it seems, you're desperate for some new material for Dogworld). Read on and learn the Truth about Cats and Dogs!

Dogs are dirty

Canines lack even basic hygiene skills. Here are just a few examples:

1. Dogs smell. Dogs lack even the basic ability to clean themselves. They need their master or mistress to do this for them. And within a couple of days they smell as bad as ever. Cats, on the other hand, are self-cleaning, requiring no human intervention.
2. Dogs are renowned for the smells they produce. Doggy-smells are such a byword amongst humans that they frequently attempt to pass the blame for their own social indiscretions in the botty department onto a conventient closeby canine.
3. To cap it all off, dogs think the whole world's a toilet. Look--there's a nice patch of grass someone's bound to walk on soon, I'll just plant a back-door sausage smack-bang in the middle. Yech.

Dogs drool

Dogs aren't just dirty, they like to dribble all over the place, and particularly on people. Cats don't have any problem controlling their salivary glands.

Dogs are dumb

Aside from not even being able to clean themselves (see above) or being able to control their salivary glands (also see above), there are a number of other examples of just how dumb dogs can be:

1. Dogs think that you can scan images into a computer by putting pictures in the floppy disk drive. What you are clearly unaware of, Roger, is that I was the one who scanned in the images on your web page!
2. Dogs have no qualms about sniffing other dogs' bot-bots. Do you think master Craig would keep his job (and his internet connection) very long if he went around sniffing his boss's rear end? (Unless, perhaps, his boss is a lawyer, which may be the case for master Craig.)
3. Dogs have no qualms about sniffing people's back (or front!) ends. See the previous point.

Dogs are dangerous

Let's face it, you don't read about Cats breaking their master's nose. Dogs can't retract their claws, so they cause all sorts of furniture damage and so have to be left outside for most of the time. A letter in the Good Weekend stated that 30,000 Australians require hospital treatment due to dog attacks annually! That's about 30,000 more than for cats.

Dogs make a din

Leave a dog at home alone and all you get is non-stop barking. I understand from recent correspondence that you may have been an exception to this until Effluent Ellie taught you how to bark. Barking results in complaints from the neighbors, leading to a growing anger in the neighborhood, and ultimately downright warfare over the back fence--all because the dumb dog can't be left alone without chucking a barking great wobbly.

Dogs are demanding

Because dogs lack the intelligence to amuse themselves, they demand attention from the master or mistress, and they demand it constantly. Dogs always want to be walked.

Dogs dig dirt

Add a dog to a nice piece of garden and what do you get (aside from doggie sausages--see above)? You get holes. What's more, dogs dig holes, but it apparently hasn't occurred to dogs to use these holes to bury their bathroom business, which they prefer to leave on show for the world to see.

Finally, dogs only ever get bad press in the Bible! Meanwhile, cats were revered in ancient Egypt. When people in the middle ages decided they didn't like cats, rats multiplied, the plague spread, and millions died. What were the dogs doing all this time? They were barking and wanting to go "walkies."

Hope this clears things up for you,

Spot