It's good to be back. I must admit that my last absence has been largely my fault. I haven't been around much. I have had the munchies and there's not that much to eat in our backyard. However, other masters actually shower their overfed dogs with riches that are truly beyond belief. I have found that with a well-structured circuit, I can take in a variety of homes, schools, a hospital, a dump bin and a stormwater drain.
At heart, I'm very much a communist dog - I believe that whatever is theirs should be mine. This means that I have broken from the compound numerous times over the past month and managed to retrieve a bountiful supply of children's lunches, bones and even the odd can of dog food!
The opened can of dog food that I left in the drive really stumped Master Craig - it's good to make him think sometimes. He just couldn't understand how I could get the can open and then actually get it home - together with the stolen kiddy lunches, bones etc..
It's quite simple - I take a doggy bag on my walks. I am "Roge Preparodog" - the dog who comes expecting more and has a bag to carry it home in.
The bad thing is that without an opposable thumb it is really very difficult to open cans. I did steal a canopener from the kitchen - but I didn't get very far. There was only one solution - I had to get an electric canopener....
Now, it's not that easy buying an electric canopener (remembering I'm a dog). When I go into shops, the shop detectives tend to keep a fairly close eye on me - it makes me feel very uncomfortable - it's like they've never seen a dog before.
Anyway, the time you get to choose an item is normally rather limited - so it's best to telephone ahead and have the article put aside. That's precisely what I did.
The next problem is the payment threshold. I've found it incresingly difficult in this country to get good service - as a paying customer, I demand service with a smile. Well, do I get that? No!!
What I tend to get is an announcement over the PA:
"Wayne, can you please remove the dog from my counter."
So, this time I thought ahead - when I had them put aside the opener I told them that I was very old and that I couldn't come to the shop. Instead, I'd send my handsome manservant who had unfortunately cast aspersions on the sexuality of a rather stroppy witch who had turned him into a very handsome manservant dog.
It worked perfectly, right up to the time when they wanted me to key in my PIN number to pay for it. The keypad was nothing like what I'd been used to at the doggy bars that I hang out at on my journeys. It was designed only for little paws with discrete toe pads. A miniature schnauser would have no trouble keying in its PIN - but a strapping man-dog like myself just couldn't manipulate the thing.
I broke into a sweat. I had no cash. I was embarrassed.
What made it worse was that I was even thinking about asking whether the girl would like to take me on a walk. I couldn't see a way out....
Then it hit me - I said:
"I'm sorry - I've just had a pedicure and my nail varnish hasn't dried yet. Have you got a pencil I can use?"
With a pencil in my mouth - I could tap out the code quickly and efficiently. But then I realised that I had one more problem - the pencil was now covered in a mixture of saliva and sandwich - my saviour was going to let me down before I had a chance to ask out the cashier.
There was only one solution....
I just hope that lead isn't poisonous.
Off to the mail....
Stuart's mail:
"Hi there, I just surfed in to your page looking for the australian peugot home page and wondered what on earth a page beginning with "Master Craig and I are still conducting a tussle over his tardiness in posting my diary notes - he really is extremely slack." (22 July '97) could have to do with peugots. My brain is now a mess. In a good way. Thanks for the interlude, Roge. Your human friend, Stuart."
It's good that my interest in motor vehicle maintenance has been recognised by the internet search engines. Has anyone found that if they do a search on Alta Vista using the search terms:
Samantha's mail:
"Roger and Ellie, HI, It's Samantha with a perplexing problem. I recently have noitced that two new dogs have moved into the area. I don't like their barking and complaining. I have tried to tell them about how good life is here but they just bark back how bad things are. This frustrates me because they don't know how good of a life they have. They are in one pet households and have none of the responsibilities that I do maintaining a multi-pet home. I think I need to get the word out to other animals that they should be greatfull for what they have and appreciate the love and kindness that they get at home. As long as we have a internet connection and either the typing skills or someone to type for us we should'nt complain. And on the lighter side I did visit Bear and April a few weeks ago. Bear and I had a good run although Bear runs far to fast and gets no where at all. April takes the time to stop and smell the roses as they say. We are into our spring and on the way to summer how nice Samantha, The Greatfull"
The new dogs seem like a couple of knuckleheads! The way that neighbours near us cope with such dogs is to call the police and report their behaviour. Ellie and I have been falsely accused by someone who likes to ring the police from his bed a block away without checking who the offending dogs are - there happen to be about 58 dogs between this person and us - this person thinks that he is a "sentinel" (have you seen the show?) and can tell the precise location of the dog. The police are always surprised that they can sit out the front for 10 minutes hearing nothing, make a noise out the front whilst Ellie and I continue in our slumber and then wake up Master Craig and tell him that some nut who's afraid of the dark has decided that it is his turn to be awakened. Master Craig is always nice to the policemen and describes the guy as a nutter and suggests that the police might like to report the lack of noise to the gentleman, the fact that he lives almost a kilometer away, he needs to get up from his bed before making a report and advise him that if he continues making such reports from the comfort of his bed that he had better be careful to avoid a harrassment suit. I suspect that that's enough whingeing and that, if he is a sentinel, we should quietly creep up on him and then bark in his ear....
Zoe mail:
"Hi guys my name is Zoe, I know the feeling - I get tied up all the time too! Would be just fine if I had internet access but I only get a look in when 'she' comes home and lets me in under her desk when 'she' studies. Got to rush here 'she' comes. Zoe & 'she' (ricca)"
I've always found the taste of rope quite enticing.... More recently, Master Craig has chained me to a chair - a bit of an inconvenience but it doesn't normally cramp my style too much. If you're attached to a fixture, a good idea is to eat the fixture - normally works for me.
Until next time....
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