I'll start this week by answering some mail.

First Master Craig wrote to Master Fred:

"Roger asked me today - who is Shadow again?"

Truthfully, I was looking back over some of my previous diary notes and the name "Shadow" just kept appearing and my recollection of old Shadow really has become a bit dim - how quickly can dogs move on to new things - it helps us forget the hard times more easily - imagine having to continuously relive your detailing and emasculation.

Anyway, Master Fred replied:

"Tell Roge that Shadow is in "time out" after violating his probation from the Cloud Nine training institute. He may earn internet privileges during the weekend if he manages not to draw blood by then."

It sounds like Nasty Nazi Master Fred is taking this dog training thing a tad too seriously. Dogs have certain inalienable rights - one of which is the right to choose to remain untrained.

Next, we got a message from Bear and Chris:

"Hi everyone my name is Bear. I am Chow Shepard and I have a sister April who is a short fat Lab. My age is 11 months and April is 9 years old. My owners, Don and his son Chris take care of me....

Don my master is mad at me because I leave the yard to chase the other girl dogs. He keeps saying that he is going to take me to the vet and have me fixed..I don't think anything is broken.

Do any other dogs get baths and receive obedience lessons?

Over to Chris:

• Do you have a favorite toy?
  
• Do you know any training tips for our dog bear, please let me know.

See you all later Bear & Chris"

It's funny, Bear, but you're a lot more literate than your Master Chris - did he complete school?

I would refuse to be fixed, Bear. Masters often use euphemisms to describe things that doggies really don't like. I can't remember exactly what "fixed" means but beware that it probably means something like blinded, transfixed, emasculated, probed or something equally unenjoyable.

As for baths and obedience lessons - you'll soon learn that these things may be avoided via a number of tactics:

1. disappear;
   
2. stay disappeared (although this may result in further obedience lesson attempts)
   
3. ensure that at least 1 litre of bath water finds its way into your master's shoes/pants/shirt during any said bath
   
4. I find that using my bodyweight to dislocate Master Craig's shoulder on walks works wonders - the time on the lead is that much shorter and its hard to control you when your 300-400 metres away;
   
5. cower and lie down when you see the bath/hose etc.
   
6. shiver during the bath and for up to 3 days afterwards
   
7. always ensure that your sister is dirtier than you - I'm sure you know a variety of ways to accomplish this (bodily functions are normally very relevant in this regard) - the effect is twofold - your sister will always be bathed first (meaning that there is every likelihood that your master will tire before getting to you and, secondly, constant washing of your sister may mean that you're forgotten (this may backfire with more baths for you - although this is unlikely))
   
8. chew bathtubs (of course this may result in hosedowns)
   
9. prove that you're untrainable

Over to me, now. I was thinking about winning a Nobel Prize - but it appears that you need to make some major contribution to humankind - really I'm not all that bothered. I thought it might be easier to win an MTV award - I was thinking of recording a number of the Beatles hits (I may instead do Oasis) - but rather than singing them (I've already warned you of my dulcid tones), I was going to bark them. I think that I could make a mint from such a recording - I bet that every master with that picture of dogs playing pool would buy one.

Oh, before I forget, Spot the Fetid's pseudo masters popped in to Bathurst last weekend bearing a gift of Schmackos (doggie treats) supposedly directly from Spot the Fetid - I'm a bit sceptical that Spot would do such a nice thing for Ellie and I. I suspect that it was a pacifier from Spot's masters to try to gag Roger Cooldogue - it's not going to work - but it sure helps.

Take me to the next diary entry!

I'd be very happy if you'd sign Master Craig's visitors' book before you leave (he won't create one for me).

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