I received my first chain email this week - I guess I must be moving up in the world! Well, it wasn't all that exciting - either I will get tremendous good luck (I guess lots of bones?) and/or I'll die a horrible death. The email had even been around the world 7 times - not that surprising really when you're sending it on the web.
I had already pawed a reply when Master Craig said that he wouldn't let me reply. I patiently explained that I had to reply otherwise some really bad things would happen to me (I cited the possibility of punctured balls, burrs in footpads, worms, fur loss and a greatly reduced love life). Master Craig was unmoved.
I pulled out my secret weapon - the implied chain term. It is common knowledge that if the recipient of a chain email wishes to pass on the letter, but his Master refuses to allow it, the horrible death will be visited on the Master and not the humble dog - he was still unmoved - sometimes he's very hard to live with.
Anyway, I decided to bark it out loud so at least the bad things that will happen won't be too bad (I'm expecting some minor constipation, some polyps and a migraine). I passed it on to Ellie, the Rusties, the guy who keeps birds down the back and a couple of Magpies (birds).
This got me to thinking that I could advertise Dogworld by attaching a curse:
Oh, the possibility of becoming a dancer for Prince is not out of the question. I've been a bit private about it, but I've been taking some dancing lessons. I really love to Tango. But, I'm adding a bit of a twist of my own - I like to replace the traditional rose between the teeth with a hunk of meat and some rather potent doggy breath. It really goes down a treat with the girls - you should see them line up for a dance with "Debonair Roge-Dog the Tango'er Extraordinaire". I must admit that I have a few problems standing on my hind feet for extended periods and my calves really ache after a night's dancing, but I really enjoy the social occasion.
I tried to get Master Craig and Mistress Liz to come down to the local trocadero, but they're real couch potatoes. Master Craig just said to grab Ellie, the car keys and be home by 10pm. I really hate having a curfew - how can you be the belle of the ball when you have to be home by 10 - it's not fair - after all I am 35 years old - I am experienced and can look after myself if there's any trouble - I don't have canine incisors for nothing....
Anyway, it's not too bad taking Ellie - I think she's got Master Craig kidded, though. He seems to think that Ellie comes down to dance but she doesn't know a rumba from a samba. She does come down but she spends all her time outside with the naughty girls smoking and talking to boys. So, whilst Roger Twinkle Claws dances the light fantastic, Ellie is outside scrounging cigarettes from boys who are really after only one thing from her - at least she's given up chewing tobacco (that was a really nasty period).
It's good that Master Craig has entrusted me again with the car. I don't remember if I told you about the last mishap with the old car - they're just not made to chase cats - but that cat was going to be pretty flat if I could've gotten it just before it ran under the house.
Well, off to the mail (it's a bit full this week):
"Dear Roge --I guess you knew I'd stop writing once I became a surly adolescent, but I'm writing now because I haven't heard from you in so long I was beginning to worry. My first thought was that your master is neglecting you now that he has bred and has a human to care for. Then I wondered if maybe you'd lost net privileges. Set my worried mind at ease and let me know what you've been up to! Here's an update on my life.
As I said, I was enjoying my cranky adolescence when Master took me to the doctor. Next thing I knew, I woke up a few parts light. My personal bag 0' balls was gone! Isn't that strange? Not that I was that attached to them, figuratively, but I suddenly have one less thing to lick. I don't know if it's related but lately the big chair with the loose slipcover just doesn't have the same appeal to me that it once had. I used to really enjoy slow dancing with it.
I have Master thoroughly trained now. He takes me and his son to a field every day, and the first thing I do is make a deposit. He then scoops it into a bag and takes it home to throw in the trash when we're done playing. The game we play is this. Master and son try to kick a soccer ball to each other. The goal of the game is for me to steal the ball and make it all slimey. I get bonus points if I knock the little boy on his bucket.
One last thing, and this will make you so proud. Master and Missus got a new coffee table -- a BIG one. When they weren't looking, I chewed the corner completely off! That's all for now. Let me know how you're doing. I promise I'll write more often. Since the trip to the doctor, I don't quite as emotionally troubled.
Well, Shadow, Ellie and I are still around and still getting up to some of our quirky antics. I was sad to hear about your loss - it has happened to the best of us. You might find that that chair with the loose slipcover comes in handy for other purposes - personally I have a favourite chair (whichever one Master Craig sits in). The coffee table sounds that it now has a bit of character. I guess Master Fred would be happy - people pay quite a lot of money for country-style furniture (BTW, what happened to the corner?).
Next to Deb H. who said:
"Enjoyed the Roger and Ellie page -- hi to them from the 5 "Dunn's Marsh Labradors" and Turbo the Am. Staff Terrier!"
A big hi back to quite a large canine family - that's got me wondering if Rancho Rogo is a bit understocked canine-wise - I would enjoy the company of a few labradorians (guys, remember to drop in if you're ever out this way).
Next, to someone who seems to be more after winning some offerings from one Master Craig than supporting canine power:
"Dear CraigThat page is hillarious, it is one laugh after another.
You might also like to tell Roge and Ellie that the original "Disneyland" in Florida is called DisneyWorld and not disneyland, to make them even more envious, you might like to tell them I was there a few years ago. Also advice them that when they are planning to their trip that they need atleast 5 days to a week to see it all.
Kind Regards
Zaid LATIF
ps - Ask Roge and Ellie if they have any tips or advice for me for the Law340 exam (in particular-subject content), as I am reeaally woooorrrried about the exam, and I am sure they understand and would not mind helping out a human by passing their well respected and highly noted advice."
Well, I did ask Master Craig for some tips. He gave us a virtual rundown of all the exam questions and solutions, but I'm afraid it was a bit too technical for me (since when have you ever heard of a dog paying tax? Oh, there was that famous dog "Al Canone", the Maltese Terrier who was involved in mafia activity in America who went down for failure to pay tax) and all I could remember was:
"Make sure that you're careful travelling to the exam center"
Hope that helps.
Lastly, to my old friend Bandit:
"Hi Rodge and Elle: I had such fun the other day dancing with skunks again. I barked and barked and barked...trying to turn the volume up to 11 as you say! (Ha, hah!) Anyway, my mistress yelled loudly (I'm not sure what she said but it sounded like "GO GET 'EM" or maybe "YOU PUNK DOG!!!") then slammed the door and left me outside all night long. I'm not sure, but I think the perfumerie overwhelmed her. If I can find the scent, I might try to buy her some for a Christmas present. What do you think? Bandit"
Sounds like those skunks are a lot of fun - I wouldn't mind wearing a lei made out of some.
Take me to the next diary entry or show me the complete calendar!
I'd be very happy if you'd sign Master Craig's visitors' book before you leave (he won't create one for me).
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