* Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws." - I prefer to use Master Craig.
For a change I'll start with the old mailbag. Justin McLean gives us the following:
"Hi there Roger, Ellie, Craig, Mistress Liz and baby.
As much as I support the right of Roger & Ellie to have internet access,
I think the following problems need sorting out first.
(You may have seen it already; I found it in alt.tasteless.jokes. If
not enjoy it as much as I did...)
THE TOP 20 REASONS DOGS DON'T USE COMPUTERS
20) Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19) Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18) Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17) Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16) Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15) Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14) Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway that they're browsing
www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13) Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12) Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11) Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies
tail-wagging.
10) Oh, but they WILL... with introduction of Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9) Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8) 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7) Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition
software.
6) SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5) SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4) Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
3) Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2) Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...
1) TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. *
* Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws."Well, there certainly is a lot of material there - but whoever came up with that list certainly hasn't had a look at my pages.
The best way to deal with some of these items is, I guess, to go through a few of them in turn:
I wish I had been consulted in the drafting of the list - there appear to be a number of glaring deficiencies.
We also had support from nyosho@sprynet.com:
"I dont have my own web page but I protest regardless.
You must have your own page.
Thanks for the support - of course, don't forget that you can be part of the protest yourself! See our Page of Protest for details.
At last, Shadow has returned!
"Roge! I'm so sorry for not writing earlier, but my life has been pretty hectic the last several months. First, I was sent to boot camp where I learned to sit and go for a walk. I was there for a month and even got to swim in a pool shaped like a dog bone. It was pretty intense training, but fortunately, it's wearing off. When I got out, my master had moved, so I had to get used to a whole new place. He seems obsessed with the wood floors and gets really cranky when sprinkle them or otherwise decorate. I've grown a good bit since my last writing, so much so that my master had to buy me the biggest pen they make. It takes up most of his bedroom. It's really loud, too. When I claw it at three in the morning because I'm lonely, he just has to wake up. Oh, yeah. The other great thing about the house is that the echo is incredible. It's like barking into the grand Canyon. I could do it for hours, and usually do. Also since my last writing, I've: 1) chewed two leashes into tiny little pieces. One was really expensive leather! 2) destroyed six shoes. 3) intimidated many of our new neighbors. 4) barked at a picture on the wall of my master's son. 5) refrained from mauling a little yappy dog who chose to attack me, God knows why. 6) Pretty much claimed squatters rights on a sofa in the sunroom. 7) Nearly choked to death on a piece of aquarium filter. And that's about it from here. As you may have noticed, I'm a slightly different dog from my last writing. I'm almost a teenager now and just about ready to start being surly and alienated. Well, I mean that's what I'd do if I were human. But since I'm a dog I think I'll just mate the sofa cushion. ps: The Olympics were here but had no effect on my daily life. Master refused to go near them, which is a good thing since a bomb went off. With the right training, I could have found that bomb. The guy at boot camp says I'd be a great protection dog. Also, I don't want to sound like I'm bragging, but guess what time I woke up master today? Three a.m.! He's still up, but I'm going back to bed. All for now. I hope you're doing well and keeping your Master in line. Give me the latest on your down under doggie doings. Your hulking friend, Shadow"
Shadow, I think that you sound a bit maturer. Sounds like the new place is a lot of fun - I certainly enjoyed moving from a small dig in the inner-city of Sydney to my current abode. It also sounds like you're being fed well - I can smell the leather here... yum, leather, mmmm. The bomb was a bit nasty - but what would you have done with it? I'm sure that you would've eaten it and I don't know how good it would be for your constitution. The move to your new house and the end of boot camp changes seem like a bit of a trauma - all I can suggest is to try to forget the boot camp lessons and get plenty of sleep during the day so that you can relax during the night with Master Fred. All the best in your growing alienation and surldom.
So, down to what's been happening at Rancho Rogo...
Besides the mouse, the biggest other thing to happen is Mistress Liz's continued blooming - no stop in sight. Baby Latham is now 3 days overdue. Ellie and I are getting a bit worried - what happens if it stays inside Mistress Liz - she will no longer partake in our walks and Master Craig has seemed to have lost the walking bug. The upside is that we're spending a lot more time in front of the fire.
We've asked Mistress Liz if we can be present at the birth (Ellie can't stop taking about being the one to cut the umbilical cord).
I can't help thinking about my lost medical career (way back in a long forgotten diary note I referred to my medical career being cut short due to some bad nail hygiene (how are you supposed to keep your nails clean whilst walking on grotty hospital floors?)). I guess that that was when I was in Sydney and they don't know me at the hospital here. I at least have my library borrowing card ready in case I'm asked to identify myself.
Master Craig said that he'd support Ellie's and my rights to be present at the birth. That makes me feel quite good. I've actually been practising my massage techniques so that I may assist Master Craig with Mistress Liz's assorted aches and pains. But truthfully, come a bit closer,
As part of my massaging technique, I'm going to take some of our balls - I have a squash ball (actually, it's a bit of a squashed ball - Ellie chewed it for a bit too long), a few tennis balls, a flat rock and a soccer ball. Mistress Liz won't know what hit her!
We've also been putting aside some of the "Budget Bites" that Master Craig has been buying recently so that Mistress Liz will have some nibblies - she needs to keep her strength up - especially if it's a long birth.
Well, next time I write Baby Roger will be born (probably). Due to its immenence Ellie and I have been composing some lullabies.
Take me to the next diary entry!
I'd be very happy if you'd sign Master Craig's visitors' book before you leave (he won't create one for me).
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