There hasn't been that much going on since last week. The one big thing was that Master Craig collared Ellie and I for a bath this morning. It was all Ellie's fault....

As most would already know, Ellie has an inexplicable fear of the garage - I guess that it may be the noises that the mice make, but it really is a bit silly. So, when it's about bedtime she's been crawling under the house and hiding under Master Craig's and Mistress Liz's bedroom. Now there's not too much harm in that except that she has to be locked under the house because otherwise she'll come out 5 minutes later and start barking (it's the moths flapping their wings, you know, that gets on her nerves). So, Master Craig locks her under the house.

Now, there's not much harm in that.... But she then barks from under the house (sometimes I think that she's got moths in her brain). Now, this particularly annoys Master Craig (especially since she barks immediately beneath where he's sleeping) - so he really doesn't like her sleeping there, but will put up with it to keep her happy. Now there's not that much harm in that....

But, last night, Ellie was particularly annoyed by the travelling flea circus that is currently infesting her nether regions. Now, there's not that much harm in that, but she also spent about half an hour scratching herself under Master Craig's bed. Now, again, not too much harm, but she was simultaneously jingling her collar and tags and tapping on the floor boards - that's where the harm really was....

The upshot was that a very grumpy Master Craig came looking for a very itchy Ellie. But Ellie's a bit too smart just to come outside whilst it's still dark - so Master Craig unlocked the area under the house (there's about 2 feet's clearance) and Ellie just remained on the other side of the wall of the house where Master Craig couldn't see her, but could still hear her tags and scratching. Master Craig appeared a bit loathe to go crawling under the house to get the little ragamuffin, so he gave up and went inside (or so it appeared).

Once the coast was clear, Ellie and her friends bounded out and proceeded to bark at a couple of particularly raucous moths. It was at this point that Master Craig closed the gate (or at least the underside of the house), barring all crawlspace means of escape.

Now, Ellie knows that it's futile to run in the open - Master Craig may not be as nimble as we are, but he knows how to turn on taps - yes that really is Ellie's Achilles heel or kryptonite - she has no Ice Castle to escape to (too damn cold anyway) and so she did the run upstairs and looked for an opening into the house (apparently there is a force field around the house, since Master Craig will rarely hose you near an open door or window). Unfortunately, there was no escape and only a crazy dog would take a chance with the 6 foot drop from the verandah (or at least a very excited dog). She took the next best option - cower, lie down and expose the flea infestation to Master Craig - no avail - she was collared and incarcerated with the evil mice.

We've now been both flea washed.

As a result of that sort of treatment, I've decided to become become an "EDO" (ie. an Evil Dog Overlord) or what I prefer to call a "Darvall". My rules are quite simple:

1. My dogs of war will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-sister (Ellie) whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Fierce Schnauzers of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When the rebel leader (One of the Rusties) challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your dogs of war to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible."

8. When I've captured my adversary and he or she says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll shoot him, and then say "No".

9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push".

11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant (Elliot) who is destined to overthrow me - I'll do it myself (Master Craig permitting, of course).

12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident: I'm not accountable to anyone.

15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy" - I simply choose not show them any.

16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.

22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

Until I complete my sinister plans, I've decided to work on a sequel to the movie "Seven". I was actually inspired to this course by the Evan Dando (Lemonheads) song "Here comes Gwyneth's head in a box" - a lovely little number (if anyone's interested, I can send you a short .wav file excerpt from the song).

Anyway, I'm going to call the sequel:

"Eight to Fourteen"

and will concentrate on the seven sins that make you a bit sick.

I'm actually also thinking about a few sequels down the track:

"Twenty-Nine to Thirty-Five"

or

"the not very nice sins that may give you indigestion".

Well, time for the mail:

First, an offering from Sue McClymont:

Welcome back Roge & Ellie. I've checked your page
constantly looking for news from you. Could I suggest
something for your cap - 'Neighbours Cats Make Good
Hats'. My boyfriend's dad is in favour of native animals and
has this as a bumper sticker on his car.

Your boyfriend's dad doesn't play a banjo, does he? This is especially pertinent if he can play "Duelling Banjos" and has ever been an extra in any movie set in America's South.

Although cats often deserve a good bite, I cannot condone the fouling of their carcasses - they're human too. I prefer the far simpler:

"Neighbours' Cats Make Good Bats"

or

"Neighbours' Cats Make Good Mats"

or

"Neighbours' Cats Make Good Pats for Dogs"

or

"Neighbours' Cats Make Good Vats"

Basically, I can't condone any cap that would require any craftsmanship to be applied to a deceased cat - the same would apply to a cap sporting the slogan "Neighbour's Cats Make Good Wax" - even though the rhyming is a bit off.

Next to Bandit:

Bark! Rodge and Ellie:  Bandit here.  I have been very busy lately
keeping the magpies out of my big dirt spot.  They just ignore me until
I growl and run at them as fast as I can.  The cats (ugh!) have been
stepping gingerly around me lately.  Now that the air seems to be
warmer, they're more excited about catching mice.  They actually eat the
horrid creatures instead of shaking them about in the air (much more
sensible) until their fur flies off.  I've been catching whiffs of talk
lately that I may be going on vacation.  It seems my family is going on
a river trip to someplace called "The Big Canyon"? or "The Large
Canyon?"  Wait, I just got it---yip!yip!---"The Grand Canyon"!!!  I
wonder how large the magpies are there?  I get to stay with friends in
town!  Aaah! The smells in town are delightful in the spring!

Bandit

I don't see how a canyon can be "grand". I can understand "big", "large" or even "deep", but "grand" seems wholly inappropriate for what amounts to a hole in the ground. In Australia, we have strip mines that are bigger than that little crevice (I saw it on a Brady Bunch re-run - and what sort of nancy boy rides a donkey?). Anyway, have a good holiday - I hope that at least the magpies are interesting.

I don't understand why I have to answer the next one - it doesn't appear to be a doggy matter at all (I suspect that Master Craig has passed this one on to me because he's too lazy to reply):

Baby Elliot,

My name is Kirra,  My dad Craig made the mistake of leaving a copy of
your note about the house and I saw it.  while I am a little older than
you (16 months) you seem to have some good idea's for how to handle mum
and dad.  Could you include me on your email list for any future notes.  

I am sure if you send it to my dad (Craig Jackson) at
dezel@ozemail.com.au he will pass it on to me.  

If you think Crawling is good wait until you get to walking.  You can
get to the top of a lot of those thinks mum and dad keep on putting on
benchs when they dont want you to play with them.  

Well I better go now I can hear mum and dad coming

Kirra Jackson
(I am a big girl now so I want them to stop calling me baby)

Well, Kirra, you certainly sound like a big girl and, rest assured that you are now on the mailing list for Young Master Elliot - anyone else wanting to join that list should contact Master Craig directly and not bother hard-working dogs who have far more important things to do with their time.

That's the bottom of the mailbag, so until next time....

Take me to the next diary entry or show me the complete calendar!

I'd be very happy if you'd sign Master Craig's visitors' book before you leave (he won't create one for me).

Return to: The locked/chained world of Rogernald Dogue and Elanor Dogue-Dogue

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