black
dim grey
grey
light grey
very light grey
white 84 March 13972: The mailbag's full again! This time we open with Curious Matty:
My fellow workers and I are confused as to your mention in your chronology of `purple feral kittens.' How does she know? PS: Have you seen Matty's wonderful web site?
I had a look at your site and seem to remember you from some time back - I think it may have been when I took you for a walk in Hurstville, NSW, Australia. Oh, the fun time, I had walking you - I remember that there was also a more cautious person with you (I'm not sure - was it a Susie or a Celia?) Well, nice to hear from you. Now, to your question. I would've thought from someone who portrays themselves as so wise on their web page with so many people signing their very important visitor's book that you would know that dogs do not only see black and white. In fact, dogs see a myriad of colours ranging through:
black
dim grey
grey
light grey
very light grey
white The second letter is from a Pug:
Dear Rogernald and Elanor: Sorry we forgot all about the OTP because it had to be destroyed almost a year ago. The OTP was being used for evil and we couldn't have that. Besides, you might not want to sniff a pug but then again, you are dogs (no offense intended, hopefully none taken). Ezme
Ezme has her own web page. And on that page, there is a scratch and sniff image of her. Well, I tried to scratch and sniff it, but it didn't work because I needed an "Odour Transfer Protocol" or "OTP" - this distressed me a bit because I was very excited about the possibility of actually have sniff contact with a fellow webdog.
Now to matters mundane - Ellie decided that as Mistress Liz was leaving this morning that she'd postmark her. This consisted of a paw mark on her white shirt. Ellie got in big trouble. I knew she couldn't do it properly. I told her that if she smudges it (as she did), Mistress Liz would regard it as dirt rather than a badge of honour. Well, I guess it's only through practice that Ellie may perfect this.
It was also a very sad moment for me. Whenever, I think of people regarding dogs' feet as "dirty" makes me sad. I admit that the fact that we're left outside and haven't yet learned to walk erect on our hind legs does tend to make all four paws a bit grimy. But this is part of the human oppression of dogs. I felt this personally not too long ago when I was enrolled in a medicine course - I was expelled for introducing dirt into an open wound - I was flabbergasted - if a hospital can't keep its floors clean, how can I be blamed for picking up a bit of dirt!
105 March 13972: In a previous private email to Roger Good-Dog, I suggested the following to him (regarding the issue of pythons and birds being dog food):
"Just some code: Bark Grrl Python Whine Winny Bird Crunch Yum. Don't say anything to your master"
Roger Good-Dog now writes:
In a message dated 96-03-05 19:09:22 EST, you write: >Just some code: > >Bark Grrl Python Whine Winny Bird Crunch Yum. > >Don't say anything to your master<< I don't. She doesn't speak Dog. The python is easy to ignore. It doesn't do anything, although I get jealous when She feeds it rats. They smell wonderful! As for the bird, actually I kind of like it. It says, "Roger Good-Dog!" and "Rogerdog." I don't like it when it says "Go lie down!".... Bye. Roger Good-Dog
I just wonder whether those rats would come to you if there wasn't a hungry lecherous python around (not wanting to put thoughts into your head).
As to the bird, the praise is something to be held in esteem. I would be cautious about the commands though - what would happen if the bird suddenly said "Roger Good-Dog kill your master"? It might just be an unfortunate misuse of words by the bird, but it could really have tremendous consequences. I suspect that the Nuremberg Defence (ie. Hitler made me do it) does apply to dogs - since everyone knows that dogs have a predisposition to carry out commands. In the long term it may be in your interests to eat Polly.
Life at Chez Craig is going well. We had a visit from a baby yesterday. At first, I couldn't understand where the racket was coming from - so little, but so loud. The funny thing was though that the baby did nothing other than cry - no barking, no watching, no digging.... Bit of a waste of time, as far as I could see. Master Craig has warned me though that a stork may shortly be delivering our own baby. I'm now lying in wait for the stork - it's a doggy delicacy.
140 March 13972: The bird/dog food problem is continuing - I've been spending a bit of time in solitary (Master Craig has requested that I spend some time in the garage in an attempt to curb my tunnelling habits) and Ellie just seems to have lost all zest in chasing the birds from our food bowl. It really is quite dreadful - the birds have no sense of decorum - not merely do they drop lice wherever they land, they also poop in my food bowl.
However, I'm using my time in the garage well. I've been barking my memoirs from time to time, but more importantly I've been building a contraption using Master Craig's tools. The contraption is going to do so many things:
Ellie has begged me to stop work on it - she thinks that Master Craig may use it instead of us for all these valuable functions. She misses the point that it will free us from the menial backyard work so that we may perform many more important and complex tasks (I'm building in an anti-sleep function for this very purpose). To date it looks a bit like a broom handle with the end chewed off (I did that so that I could fit attachments).
New mail includes a note from Jen who has joined our protest to ensure that we get our backyard internet connection:
congratulations, roger and ellie... i am sure you are overjoyed at the prospect of a baby entering your world! i'd be willing to bet that Master Craig and Mistress Liz are almost as happy as you! try the stork with a side of wild rice... it makes the entire dish more palatable. here are my suggestions for naming the infant... if it's a boy, i like Alexander. if it's a girl, how about jen? (just kidding... i like Mary Elizabeth.) if Master Craig and Mistress Liz don't like the names, i'm sure that you will have no problem referring to the child as "tail puller." Congratulations once again!!
Thanks for your kind wishes, Jen. I'm not sure that we are too overjoyed at the baby thing. They just seem a bit useless. The rice for the stork isn't a bad idea. Unfortunately, Master Craig has banned me from using the kitchen - I had an incident with the gas stove at our last place - however, since the new stove is electric, I may be allowed to cook up some rice. I suspect that a little garlic and some chilli could make for a really nice stew, too. Anybody out there with a recipe for stork, please let us know.
As for baby names, I'd already suggested, for a boy, Baby Roger or Roger II (I think Roman numerals are so very classy) and, for a girl, Rusty 3. I'm not sure what you meant by "tail puller" - I hope your not suggesting that Baby Roger may be a sadist. Fortunately for me I don't have a tail (I came that way from the RSPCA). All I can say now is that I hope we don't end up with one that looks like this:
175 March 13972: It's always nice to admit someone new to the protest ranks. This time it is Matty's turn. He writes:
Dear Rogernald and Elanor
You may have noticed that I have turned not only my home page
white but also my visitors' book as well. I myself want an internet
connection at various points in my house but my fiance won't let me.
I have placed a comment stating your barefaced mistreatment at the
hands of Mistress Liz on my Interests page. Have you ever noticed just
how barefaced humans are? All that bare skin, bleecch.
Matty.Thanks Matty for your support. However, I personally try not to concentrate on the things that divide (ie. lack of hair), but on our common features with humanity (ie. our love of slobber and jumping). It is sad that humankind has lost their ability to produce fur. I'm hoping that our new baby (produced courtesy of Mistress Liz) may be more hirsuite than most. In all truth, Ellie and I are hoping for a dogboy. Our second choice, of course, is a Dog-girl (I don't want this because the sex balance in our household is currently 2-2 and this would give the females an advantage). Our last choice is a baldy of any sex.
If it is a girl, I'm going to enlist some male birds to throw the balance back my way. I'll probably need about a dozen to make up the difference between dogs/humans and birds - but seeing that we now feed them, we might as well make use of them. I'll keep them in the house - one of the rooms should suffice as a fine aviary.
My contraption is steadily progressing - I've now chewed off the other end of the broom handle so that I may fit attachments to either end.
Take me to the next diary entry!
I'd be very happy if you'd sign Master Craig's visitors' book before you leave (he won't create one for me).
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