I'll start once again with the mailbag (seeing how hardly anyone writes to me anymore). Sooos writes concerning the following photo:

Sooos pines:

Dear Roge, "Our omission from the family photos was not an oversight - I was actually taking the photo and deliberately made sure that I cut out Ellie (she refused to smile since she wanted to take the photo)." Oh really....so how did you push the button, get them developed and scan them??? And Who's camera did you use??? Huh Huh??????

Sooos, you seem to have quite an irritating problem - but I'll ignore your effect on me and actually answer your question (since you rarely seem to be satisfied):

1. The camera was Rusty's (our next door neighbour) - he's a very kind-hearted dog who is stupid enough to lend valuable equipment to us.

2. Despite the fact that I lack an opposable thumb, I still have four good fingers and a dew claw. I'll admit that there was a little bit of mouth and saliva involvement, but those dew claws certainly come in handy when trying to steady a camera and take a photo.

3. Next, how did you think that I'd get the piccies developed? - since our dark room was appropriated as sleeping quarters for the little bundle of dirty nappies, we certainly haven't been able to do it ourselves. We had to trundle off down the road to the camera place and pay for the development. I'd prefer not to have to talk about all that (since Master Craig may discover that we snuck out without him), but it was just a simple matter to wait till the girl behind the counter at the photography shop wasn't looking and slip the film with a note on the counter:

   

   I decided that we wouldn't to talk to the girl at the counter since I didn't want her to know that I was with Ellie and I didn't want her to know that we lived with a normally reasonably nice family - she'd learn that when she developed the photos.

   I got Master Craig to pick up the photos (I told him that Mistress Liz took them down and that she had already paid for them - that had the effect that he paid for them for us and will likely forget to ask for the money).

4. I'm going down shortly to see if I can get a date and, if things go well, I'll use the line that I come from a really breezy and cold home and that I should move in with her and be her "best friend" - I'm a very manly dog and I have no intention that Master Craig will always be my best friend.

5. As for the scanning - that was easy.... We just folded the photo until it could fit into the disk drive and got Windows to look in the A drive (didn't you know that this is a little known feature of Win 95 - it's not just a pleasure to use - it's also value-packed). I presume that you use a Mac.

6. Have you spent so much time with Spot the Fetid that you forgot the wonderful things that dogs can do?

Now some queries for Sooos concering the picture below (which she sent Master Craig and which apparently had something to do with a Bible study he was involved with - I remember going a few times and getting blamed for smells that I was sure came from Master Craig):

So how did you push the button (seeing you're in the far left of the piccy), get it developed and scan it??? And whose camera did you use??? Huh Huh??????

Also, what all that muck on your shirt? Do you have an eating disorder? Where do you get your hair cut? Why do you have only one sleeve? Did a sensible dog attack you? Why isn't Matty Farrow in the picture? Was he in hospital whilst you were off having cutesy pictures taken? Why is Mistress Liz (in the middle) so tall? Has she shrunk? Why is Master Craig (right of centre) wearing such ugly glasses? Why does he seem to get better looking each day? Who are the other people in the photo? Did you get them there to make it appear that you have lots of friends?

That's worn me out a bit, but I want to give you an important message I recently came across in "How To Install Software - A 12-Step Program" by Dave Barry from his new book "Dave Barry In Cyberspace":

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that
    explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.
    It should look something like this:

    SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
    2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
    628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
    719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
    3546 MB RAM
    432323 MB ROM
    05948737 MB RPM
    ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
    2 TURTLE DOVES
    NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will
   contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and
   troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
   3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed
   envelope that says:

   LICENSING AGREEMENT:

   By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the
   terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads,
   as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret
   Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such
   other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company
   shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to
   the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's
   underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do 
   us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light,...finders
   keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't
   forget to tip your servers.

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name
   of child), please install this on my computer."

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
   appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which
   the following message should appear on your screen:

   The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would
   be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you?  Choose one,
   and be honest:

    +-------+      +--------+
    |  YES  |      |  SURE  |
    +-------+      +--------+

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring
   for a very long time while the installation program does God knows
   what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular
   structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been
   transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor.
   At the very least, the installation program will create many new
   directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard
   drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like
   "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should
    display the following message:

    CONGRATULATIONS

    The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your
    computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software.
    If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness
    of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should
    immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^^ )$*!#$_$*^^&.

11. At this point your computer system should become less
    functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even
    when struck with furniture.

12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the
    package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain
    to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged
    3 through 12.

Take me to the next diary entry or show me the complete calendar!

I'd be very happy if you'd sign Master Craig's visitors' book before you leave (he won't create one for me).

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