One more time I'll start with the mailbag. Sooos continues to pine by answering some of my questions raised in my last diary note concerning the following photo (my further comments appear there also):

"Q. So how did you push the button (seeing you're in the far left of the piccy), get it developed and scan it??? And whose camera did you use??? Huh Huh??????

A. It was a special type of camera that a dog can't use: too hard. Only cats can do it. In fact Spot took the photo."

I have trouble imagining a camera that only a cat can use. It must have hair trigger buttons that only a sissy cat could press.

"Q. Also, what all that muck on your shirt?

A. I think if memory serves me correctly that was caused by trying to pat you in your puppyhood days. Do you remember when you were such a freak you couldn't even bark????"

I think that it's really cruel to bring up my barking problem. I haven't actually discussed it on the net, since it still brings back painful memories (I haven't even explained it to Master Craig) - I thought that I could confide in YOU, you cat-lover. It stems from the fact that before Master Craig became my master, I had "owners" who used to beat me whenever I barked or whimpered. Yes, I was abused as a puppy - there you've made me remember it all. Are you happy now? I feel like Oprah.

"Q. Do you have an eating disorder?

A. No but Master Craig looks like he did, he looks a bit thin don't you think????"

Master Craig asked whether there was a veiled fat joke in there - he says he feels like Ricki Lake.

"Q. Where do you get your hair cut?

A. Same place as you."

What sort of inane comment is that?

Q. Why do you have only one sleeve? Did a sensible dog attack you?

A. No, I think that was you again."

Then a sensible dog DID attack you (bar, no returns).

"Q. Why isn't Matty Farrow in the picture? Was he in hospital whilst you were off having cutesy pictures taken?

A. He was off writing his web site, and looking for his future wife (Julia).

Is he still living?

"Q. Why is Mistress Liz (in the middle) so tall? Has she shrunk?

A. No. In the old days when Master Craig had time for you Roge and was thinner he could lift Mistress Liz. However he has grown old and not interested in you and this has caused a lack of lifting ability.

So, it was a fat joke. And, if Master Craig isn't interested in me, why does he always type up my memoirs?

"Q. Why is Master Craig (right of centre) wearing such ugly glasses?

A. To protect his nose from your puppyish antics."

I don't think I've ever mentioned that - I broke Master Craig's nose whilst I was rough-housing him. Oh, maybe that is a lie - it was late, it was dark, Master Craig was sitting on the grass overlooking a bay and I ran straight at him, forgetting to stop before I reached him. My nose was at head height and the my full 25 kilos (I was a bit lighter myself then) at approximately 30 km/h was focused into the bit of those very ugly glasses attaching the two lenses and then through to an approximately 0.5mm square of Master Craig's face (basically that little bit between his eyes - I've always said his eyes were too close together). It's the only time I've ever seen Master Craig cry - he said that it was only his eyes watering.

"Q. Why does he seem to get better looking each day?

A. Because as you get old YOU need ugly glasses."

My eyesight is still 10/10!

"Q. Who are the other people in the photo? Did you get them there to make it appear that you have lots of friends?

A. Yep. That's right. Note you weren't in the photo but in the backyard (shut out) Bye Roge. Hope this has answered you're questions."

Sooos, I lock the gate to the backyard not to keep myself in but to keep cat lovers out.

Next, off to Samantha:

Roge and Ellie,

It has been a busy week. We lost one our close human friends this week. Mistress Linda had to take off a few days to attend the services. The house was full of emotions.

I had to watch the house more this week then ever. I choose to call it creature sitting because I have 16 other animals to watch while they are gone. It isn't easy keeping all the cats in line. They play this game where two of the little creatures try and distract me while the others attempt to hide my pigs ear. I must be vigilant and watch my possessions very carefully. They also fight among themselves which I must monitor for fairness. Cats can be sneaky little animals. I did get some time outside in the yard and I caught a bird. I was proud but Mistress Linda lectured me for quite some time. She explained that we are all God's creatures and killing is wrong. I tried to tell her that I was intending to eat the bird when she caught me. And again I was told about the evils of killing. A lesson well learned.

I hope your date did get off the ground. Have you thought of the differences between the two of you? Not mention the stares you two would get as a couple? How would you pay for the date? Where is your loyality? How could you think of leaving home for her? Have you lost touch with the important things in life? Not to mention Ellie.

I think that you should sit down and re-consider the reasons you have fallen for this counter girl. I have just one last question. Disco?

Samantha."

Sam, seems like you've got a bit of activity going on at your house. Shame to hear about the bird difficulty - we take the view that all they do is make noise and eat worms that are very good for the garden - so that their eradication keeps everyone happy. Nevertheless, it'd be better to avoid trouble with Mistress Linda, so you might want to consider snacking on a few of the less active cats (no-one would notice).

As for it being wrong to kill other of God's creatures. Let me paraphrase Genesis 1:

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light - the first day.

A number of days go by...

Then God said, "Let us make man and his faithful companion, dog, in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground (including cats)."

So God created man and dog in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground (including cats)."

etc.

Now, you'll note two very important facts:

1. Dogs should eat, inter alia, birds;
   
2. Dogs rule over cats; and
   
3. God may well have fur and paws.

The upshot is that if you quote your scriptures to Mistress Linda, you should be able to score a few cats and as many birds as you can eat.

A quick question - is there a pig attached to the ear - they're good eatin' too.

Now, as for my date, you raise a few interesting points. I will deal with each in turn.

"I hope your date did get off the ground." - No, we haven't gone out yet. There was one difficulty and it came down to a cat. I asked her out and she seemed quite keen. But then she remembered that her cat doesn't particularly like dogs. I told her that the Montagues didn't like the Capulets, but that didn't stop Romeo and Juliet suiciding. She seemed unconvinced. I then tried to assure her that the cat wouldn't mind me for very long. She's currently thinking about our date - next week I should have some news.

"Have you thought of the differences between the two of you? Not mention the stares you two would get as a couple?" I thought this a bit spurious - there are many mixed marriages in Australia. Most people don't have much difficulty in crossing racial barriers here. Are you from the American South? As for stares, anyone I tend to go out with gets a lot of jealous stares, but they have to expect that.

"How would you pay for the date?" Listen, I think that you're living in the past. Modern girls don't want to be paid for and, since she has a good job, I'd expect her to pay for me.

"Where is your loyality? How could you think of leaving home for her? Have you lost touch with the important things in life? Not to mention Ellie." Of course, we may move out, but there is always the option that we could use the cubby house down the backyard (at least until Elliot is a bit older) and until we've saved up for our own kennel.

"I have just one last question. Disco?" Yeah - I'm a bit of an old romantic."

On a sad note, I was sorry to hear about your and Mistress Linda's loss.

Now, to some more sad news from Roger:

Hi Roge,

Just a quick note to let you know that we lost Basil Sunday night. After 13 fun filled years, he had an epileptic fit (Cavaliers are know for this.) 10pm Sat night and then two more at 4:00am and 10:00am Sun morning, after a visit to the Vet and back home with some pills. When he had another major attack at 2:00pm, it was obvious that the fits were getting closer and we couldn't do a damn thing for him, we took him back to the Vet's for more help. She gave him a tranquiliser and something else to try stop the attacks.

Basil didn't come home.

At 11:45pm Sunday, The Vet rang to say Basil had had 2 more severe attacks that evening and there was nothing more she could do...................

Like your master Craig, Basil was more than my Dog, he was my friend.

Roger.

I don't know what Master Craig will do if I go before him - I can only hope that he goes first (but, in his favour, he does have good traffic sense and a Volvo).

Take me to the next diary entry or show me the complete calendar!

I'd be very happy if you'd sign Master Craig's visitors' book before you leave (he won't create one for me).

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