I thought I'd start today's diary note with a very very sad message - those of you who haven't voted for my site are now too late - http://www.webawards.info.au/index.html. If I'm not a finalist, I'll hold you personally responsible.

This week has been an interesting one. Well, not so much interesting as a bit terrifying....

Young Master Elliot has begun to mostly walk.

Whilst he was on all fours, we considered him one of us, but now it's clear that the little blighter is really one of them.

The problem, as I see it, is that the day when our tails will be tugged are fast approaching. Tug Day 1 at Ground Yard is potentially only months away.

Of course, Ellie and I are confident that our speed, ingenuity and inherent slobberiness will mean that we can defer the day - but I don't see how we can prolong it forever.

Ellie and I have discussed the situation with Rusty 1. Although Rusty isn't concerned for his personal safety (Young Master Elliot should not have the coordination to breach the perimeter defences for at least another 4 years), he has seen this happen in his own household. He has agreed to take on us as clients and act in the role of arbitrator between Young Master Elliot (the "Aggressor") and us (the "Aggrieved").

It's quite strange really, but the fact that Rusty's Master is a solicitor has rubbed off on Rusty. He would not act on our behalf until we signed the following contract:

Binding contract between Rogernald Dogue (hereinafter, the "Big Aggrieved") and Elanor Dogue-Dogue (hereinafter, the "Smaller Aggrieved") (hereinafter, collectively referred to as the "Aggrieved") and Rusty 1 (hereinafter, the "Arbitrator").

The Aggrieved and the Arbitrator agree to the following important clauses:

1. The Arbitrator agrees to use his best endeavours to arbitrate between Young Master Elliot (hereinafter, the "Aggressor") and the Aggrieved.
2. The Arbitrator shall use all mechanisms at his disposal to effect a cessation of hostilities between the Aggressor and the Aggrieved. Such mechanisms may involve the use of counselling, detoxification programmes, barking and snarling. The use of incarceration via chains is strictly outlawed.
3. The Arbitrator shall not be held personally responsible for any loss of tail mobility, the accidental excision of any body parts or any related events.
4. The Big Aggrieved promises to double-date with Rusty 1 when seeing any internationally renown acts of an alternative nature and use his best endeavours to obtain back-stage passes for all attending the double-dates.
5. The Smaller Aggrieved agrees to the construction of an outlet valve from the potato heating machine to the Arbitrator's house.
6. Should the Aggrieved predecease the Arbitrator, the ownership of all subterannean cartilage, tendons and bone shall immediately revert to the Arbitrator

Dated: 91 October 13979

Signed:

Rogernald Dogue

Elanor Dogue-Dogue

Rusty 1

It'll be interesting to see how Rusty goes.

The one strange thing to note is that Rusty is missing his pinky toe. I understand that he used to run with a gang of Japanese Hounds - he used to be able to make the most exquisite origami animals - he was really well-respected in craft circles in this region.

Well, off to the mailbag - there's a few letters this week:

1. L.C.:

   "My adoptive mother is typing this for me as it's difficult to type and 
   work the mouse with paws.  I feel that Mr. Dogue and Ms. Dogue-Dogue have 
   every right to access the internet.  As we all know, dogs as a group 
   (border collies in particular) are ten times more intelligent and better 
   mannered than humans.  It is just so boring for us to spend the day in 
   idleness when we could be "surfing the net".  We are ever so smart and 
   need to have something intellectually stimulating to focus on, else we 
   may get bored and who knows what sort of mischief a band of super 
   intelligent dogs like ourselves could get into?  Dogs of the world unite!
   
   Mackintosh Roberts
   aka "The Wildebeest"
   aka "L.C." (Loose Cannon)"

   Mackintosh, you know what part of your letter keeps ringing in my head -

   "band of super intelligent dogs"

   It's only a thought, but I reckon we would call such a band "Rogernald Dogue and His Band of Merry Canines". I can picture it all - a roving band of minstrels playing covers of anything from Sebadoh, Dinosaur Jr, Pavement all the way through to Chris Knox, The Tall Dwarfs and Ben Lee. We would take money from the rich and then take it from the poor students as well. We would be a real hit on the US college circuit.

2. Sooooos commenting on last week's diary note:

   "Dear Craig,
   
   This is awful, its not partly true is it??????
   
   Sooooos"

   Sooooos, Master Craig passed this one over to me to handle. Yes, I can confirm the following as the true story of poor little Satan:

   • Satan was a rabbit
   • Satan went rabid
   • Satan would periodically disappear
   • Satan would return drenched in dried blood
   • Mistress Liz wanted to get rid of poor little Satan
   • Satan was a most excellent hunter
   • Satan had gotten the taste for blood
   • a local farmer found Satan killing a sheep in one of his paddocks and winged him
   • Satan dragged himself home (together with a rather tasty side of mutton)
   • Satan died at the back doorstep
   • I actually found the poor little guy

   The only exaggeration (for poetic purposes) was the equal sharing of Satan and his mutton - well, you know the saying, "Finders keepers" - it's the way Satan would've wanted it to be.

3. Max:

   "Dear Rogernald Dogue and/or Elanor Dogue-Dogue,
   
   zdkl'gtujqad,;asdl; lkasd as;asd ;ladsfsdaf asd;fjasd fasdl;fka sdfod
   asoafsd asdfhase fasdias asd oiuasd asdoisd asdifased asdoiasd
   asdoiaxdviudfzb,yj dr ncvndjxchjvz  ,cz zc h,xcv jxcvZ j,zxcvNh, v , cv 
   
   Love,
   Max"

   Max, if I was your master, I wouldn't let you near the computer - it sounds like you've gone rabid too. Stop foaming and pull yourself together.

4. Mocha:

   "Roge,
   
   I am on your homepage and wish you to mention that I am in complete
   support of your cause. I cannot turn our Web Pages White as MY 
   Mistress Folkgal will take away my Dear Mocha Column if I do, but 
   I am going to have her add you cause on my doghouse web page sometime 
   this week.
   
   
   We really must stick together and get our Mistresses to do more for us.
   I think that maybe we could have our own computers to use with the Back
   Yard Internet Connections. What good is a connection if we don't have a
   computer to use outside.
   
   
   I am hereby ordering all of the Dogs in the United States 
   to Bark at Midnight every night until your Mistress Liz gets you your 
   Internet Connection.
   
   So let it be said that it will be SOOOOO noisey that your Mistress will
   be getting all kinds of phone calls to Get you that Connection so we all
   SHUT UP
   
   WOOOOOOOOOOOF
   
   Mocha"

   Sounds like a splendid idea - particularly since it won't disturb Ellie's and my sleep (we won't be able to hear you here in Australia.

   As for the computer - we already have one. Ellie and I play mostly games on it - but we do use it for serious purposes also (the contract with Rusty 1 was actually typed on it).

5. Well, I went off to visit Mocha's page and left the following message:

   "Hi Mocha
   
   We may be related - my mother was Labradorian.
   
   Anyway, I've been fighting Mistress Liz for over 2 years now for a backyard 
   internet connection. I have won over Master Craig and Young Master Elliot 
   to the idea, but the Mistress is unmoved.
   
   She still hasn't forgiven me over the Pringles story I wrote on my home 
   page (a full tube of Pringles was mistakenly deposited in the bin - well 
   Mistress liz is a real chip person - and as they say "Once you pop you can't
   stop").
   
   Can you see any way we could stop this technologically oppressive conduct? 
   
   Roge 
   
   Rogernald Dogue P.R.O.C.A.N. A.N.T.I.F.E.L.
   Chief Dog
   The Compound
   Bathurst New South Wales
   AUSTRALIA 2795
   
   "I barked and then I barked again for good measure" RD of FMB"

6. Mocha responded as follows:

   "Dear Roge,
    
   Boy, when you get the Mistresses mad this is going to be a tough one.
   
   Have you thought of sending some of the Internet Flowers you can send in 
   Email?
   
   I think all of us deserve a backyard internet connection. I would be happy 
   to join you in your protest. Perhaps if we all bark loud enough Mistress 
   Liz will get the connection for you to make us all be quiet.
   
   Try fetching her slippers, and  giving her constant sad puppy dog eyes in 
   the meantime.
   
   I will talk to all my other Internet Pals and tell them they should ask 
   their Humans for a backyard connection too. And while I am thinking of it, 
   I think I would like a nice new TV and Stereo!
    
   Your Pal 
   
   Mocha "

   But, I already have a new TV and stereo.

   As for sad puppy dog eyes - tried it. Doesn't work. Mistress Liz is very stern. She reckons that a dogs place is in the backyard and an internet connection should only be inside. Very canist.

   I would try to fetch her slippers, but it would take too long - Ellie recently ate them and spread them across the backyard. Of course, that did not contribute significantly to our goodwill with Mistress Liz.

   I'll do the flowers though. However, since Mistress Liz hardly ever goes online, I'll dig up some Pansies from the backyard.

7. Mocha:

   "Roge,
   
   Just to let you know, I have just added a protest page on my Doghouse
   page.. it is right under the Dear Mocha Column.. so when you get a 
   chance drop in and read it.
   
   Mistress Liz will have to give you what you want now....
   
   Your Pal
   
   Mocha"

   You may be right. Of course, if all my other readers cared, they'd do the same - then we'd definitely get the conection. (For my mercenary readers, you'd also get a mention in my Hall of Protest.)

This episode of Dogworld is dedicated to the memory of the side of mutton that poor little Satan dragged home.

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I'd be very happy if you'd sign Master Craig's visitors' book before you leave (he won't create one for me).

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