In recent diary notes, I've been writing a lot about myself and I've had all these jokes that I have forgotten to tell. So, today, I'm going to offload my mounting pile of jokes onto you without telling you any dating etc. news and without answering any mail:
I've been neglecting my inner "pup" for some time now. I think the signs that my inner child is unhappy are obvious:
Next, I have a collection of SPAM Haiku (a dog's favourite):
Pink tender morsel,
Glistening with salty gel.
What the hell is it?
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Ears, snouts and innards,
A homogeneous mass.
Pass another slice.
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Cube of cold pinkness
Yellow specks of porcine fat.
Give me a spork please.
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Old man seeks doctor.
"I eat SPAM daily", says he.
Angioplasty.
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Highly unnatural,
The tortured shape of this "food":
A small pink coffin.
I recently saw the enhanced version of Star Wars and wondered why they ever chopped out this dramatic scene:
Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader were having their light sabre fight. The sounds of their weapons crashing against each other filled the walkways of the Death Star.In the middle of their fight, the two warriors became locked in an embrace. Darth turned to Luke and whispered in his ear -- "I know what you're getting for Christmas ..."
Luke was rather puzzled by this, but the fight soon resumed.
Shortly, the two intrepid fighters became locked together again. Once again, Darth Vader whispered to Luke -- "I know what you're getting for Christmas ..."
Luke found this very bemusing, but with the powers of the dark side to fend off, he had no time to ponder Vader's strange utterings.
A few more minutes went by and the two became entangled again. Darth moved toward Luke as if to say something.
"I know, I know...." Luke had finally had enough and said, "So you know what I'm getting for Christmas. How did you find out?"
Darth Vader paused for a moment, and then, in his most menacing voice, said, "I have felt your presents..."
Sorry to the squeamish for that last one - but Ellie at least had a big belly laugh.
Next, I have a list of lecturing tips that Master Craig gave to the "owner" of Spot the Fetid:
Now, a difinitive list of doggy jokes:
Q. Why do dogs bury bones in the ground? A. Because you can't bury them in the sky! Q. What happened when the dog went to the flea circus? A. It stole the show! Q. Why did the dog cross the road? A. Because it was the chicken's day off! Q. What did the man say when he saw four giant Great Danes coming toward him? A. "Here come four giant Great Danes!" The dinner guest was enjoying his meal at the Johnsons, except for one small problem. The family dog kept staring and staring at him. Finally, the guest couldn't take it anymore. "Why is your dog staring at me like that?" he asked. "Oh, don't mind him," said Mr. Johnson. "He's just angry because you're eating from his plate!" Q. Why is a dog's nose in the middle of its face? A. Because it's the scenter! Q. Do you know how long dogs should be bathed? A. The same as short dogs! SIR LANCELOT: A horse! A horse! I must have a horse! King Arthur is in dire trouble! INNKEEPER: Oh, valiant knight, I must apologize. That old dog sleeping by the fireplace is the only animal I possess. SIR LANCELOT: Very well then, innkeeper I will take him! INNKEEPER: No, sir, I couldn't allow it. I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this! DOG: Moo moo moo! MAN: Hey - you're a dog. How come you're going "moo moo moo"? DOG: I'm learning a foreign language! DOG: Cluck cluck cluck. MAN: Hey - you're a dog. How come you're going "cluck cluck cluck"? DOG: I got tired of saying "moo moo moo"! DOG: Foow foow foow! MAN: Hey - you're a dog. Shouldn't you be saying "woof woof woof"? DOG: My mother always said I was a little backward! SCARED PERSON: Please! Call your dog off! Call your dog off! MARVIN: Sorry, I can't. I've always called him "Henry" and it's too late to change now! WOMAN: Miss, can you help me? I want to knit a sweater for my dog, but I'm having trouble following these instructions. ASSISTANT: Well, how big is your dog? WOMAN: Goodness, I don't know exactly. ASSISTANT: Why don't you bring your dog in? WOMAN: Oh, no - I can't! I want it to be a surprise! ANGRY DINER: Waiter, come here. There's a fly in my soup. WAITER: I'm sorry sir. You'll have to leave. This is a collection of dog jokes! MATT: What's the difference between a championship pedigree long-haired poodle and a mangy, ill-tempered, flea-bitten mutt? PAT: I don't know. What's the difference? MATT: Remind me not to send you out to buy a dog! ANGRY DINER: Waiter. Come here, there's a fly in my soup. WAITER: I told you sir, you'll have to leave. This is a collection of dog jokes. ANGRY DINER: But he's doing the dog paddle! RICK: My dog is lost in the woods. What can I do to find him? MICK: No problem. Just put your ear to a tree and listen to the bark! POLICEMAN: Young man, does that dog have a license? MARVIN: He doesn't need one, Officer. He isn't old enough to drive! Q. What do you get when you cross a dog with a computer? A. A computer with a lot of bytes! Q. What do you get when you cross a dog with an elephant? A. A dog that remembers where it buried its bones! Q. What do you get when you cross a dog with a frog? A. A dog that can lick you from across the room! Q. What do you get when you cross a dog with a cat? A. A dog that fights with itself all day! Q. What do you get when you cross a dog with a racehorse? A. A dog that chases cars - and catches them. SAM: It's raining cats and dogs. PAM: I know. I just stepped in a poodle! POSTMAN No. 1: A dog bit me on the leg this morning. POSTMAN No. 2: Did you put anything on it? POSTMAN No. 1: No, he liked it plain! SAM: Well, do you know what the Dalmation said when it started to rain? PAM: That hits the spots? A man was driving through the country when his car suddenly stopped. He got out and looked under the bonnet to see if he could find the problem. "The trouble is in the transmission," a voice behind him said. The man turned around in surprise, but he only saw a shaggy old sheepdog standing by the road. "Did you say something?" the man asked. "I said you'd better check your transmission," the dog replied. "This is amazing!" the man cried. He forgot about the car and ran to the nearby farmhouse to tell the dog's owner about what had happened. "Hmmm," said the farmer. "Was it an old grey sheepdog with big, floppy, ears?" "Yes, yes! That's the one!" cried the man. "Well, don't pay attention to him," said the farmer. "He doesn't know anything about cars!"
Sorry.
Next, to a paper that Master Craig is thinking of setting:
Biology: Create life. Estimate the difference in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years prior with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.
Health: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected.
Languages: 2,500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
Psychology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment and represented frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Apfrodisias, Parnses II, Gregory of Micea and Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotes from each man's work. Translation is not necessary.
Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
Business Policy: Define business. Define policy. How are they related and why?
Management: Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the communciations interface and control programs.
Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk, the instruction manual printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate.
Poli Sci: There is a red telephone on your desk. Start World War III. Report at length on it's socio-political effects, if any.
Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace possible effects to the following areas: Cubism, the Donati controversy, the wave theory of light. Devise a method for preventing these effects. Criticize from all possible points of view.
Logic: Take a stand for or against the truth. Prove validity of your position.
Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate significance. Compare with development of any other kind of thought.
General Knowledge: Describe all you know in detail. Be both objective and specific.
Well, I hope you've enjoyed a week away from RogerWorld - back next week with news of my date...
Take me to the next diary entry or show me the complete calendar!
I'd be very happy if you'd sign Master Craig's visitors' book before you leave (he won't create one for me).
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