Master Craig and I are still conducting a tussle over his tardiness in posting my diary notes - he really is extremely slack.

Anyway, I'm here for another week.

The past week has been largely indistinguishable from the preceding week - few walks, lots of screaming, a little pottering around the garden and a whole lot of sleep.

I think that Ellie's drinking problem is getting a bit worse. I found her trying to make alcohol from potatoes! Stupid dog, everyone knows that you can't make alcohol from potatoes - all she got was some funny-smelling water.

I don't know what will happen if Master Craig does some gardening and finds her still and cigarette stash - Ellie really is a very naughty dog.

I think Ellie's fallen off the wagon or is back on it (or whatever), since:

• she wakes up looking for a little hair o' the human who bit her;

• she chases pink elephants around the yard instead of birds;

• the only game she'll play with me is "Quarters"/"Two-up";

• she's been spending more time hugging the toilet bowl than actually slurping from it;

• she's been justifying her habit by reasoning that they are in "dog beers";

• she won't drink out of the toilet unless there's an olive in it;

• I've heard a rumour from Rusty 1 that Ellie just signed to do a remake of "Old Yeller" with Kelsey Grammer and Robert Downey, Jr.; and

• she used to bark - now she just belches the chorus to "Louie, Louie."

I'm also really getting sick of her asking me to pull her paw - she's just sooooo disgusting.

I'm also not sure why she's spending so much time in the toilet, but I do know that the seat is always up when she leaves.

Well, back to me. I snuck out the other day to see Gladys Berryl - she's looking more beautiful than ever. Pavement are playing in Sydney tonight, tommorrow night and the following night. As I've already told you all, I was planning to take Gladys, but it's looking a bit shaky.

Pavement don't come on until about 11:30 pm - they should finish by about 1 pm, but then it's a 3 hour trip back from Sydney to Bathurst. That means that I should well and truly be back by 5 am (after a goodnight kiss with Gladys). She's very keen to go too (Pavement is one of Beryl's favourite bands, together with Sebadoh, Dinosaur Jr. and Frank Black), but she has to be at work early the next day - which means that she'll get only about 3 hour's sleep.

There is also another problem - Ellie is threatening not to cover for me. I wasn't asking much. I was going to get some black fabric and weave up a substitute Roge to lie in my beanbag, but Ellie was threatening to bark to get up Master Craig and alert him to the elaborate ruse. That is, unless I did some things for her. Whilst in Sydney, she required me to get her the following:

1. an autographed Pavement t-shirt in size 1 (basically Elliot's size, since he also loves Pavement and Ellie is trying to get him trained to open the door for her so that she can sleep inside);

2. some copper tubing;

3. 500 kg of potatoes;

4. 4 in-line skates;

5. a hockey mask;

6. an air horn;

7. purple hair dye; and

8. a chain-saw.

I really have no idea what the mutt's up to but sometimes she scares me a little.

Anyway, there's no way that I would be able to lug all that stuff back to Bathurst (even forgetting the expense - what does she think? I'm made of money?)

I reckon that if I get the T-shirt, she should be happy enough. I certainly would not sleep well knowing that Ellie has easy access to even half those things - I'd be likely to be awakened by an air horn, whilst being pushed down the street on skates, having been died purple. It makes me shudder to think how she would be using the tubing, potatoes, hockey mask and chain-saw. Don't think that the lack of opposable thumbs would discernably slow her down - she's a menace.

A further problem is that Gladys' car (a 70's Peugot) is in dire need of a tune-up (what would happen if we broke down and I ran late?). I told her that I'd have a look at it, but I really haven't had much experience with old European cars - I'm a post-electronic fuel injection kid myself. I often have a tinker around Master Craig's cars (don't let him know - he doesn't have much confidence in my mechanical skills). It does give me some good quality bonding time with Young Master Elliot - he's even mastered what a No. 3 spanner is - he's a pretty quick learner. The only real problem with Elliot is that he's really short and has a bit of trouble standing unaided. Of course, he's a whiz at getting about quickly under the car - he did his first oil change the other day.

I still plan on using the burglar routine to escape from the compound - "Oh, is that a burglar sitting out the front in a stolen 70's Peugot - I'll protect the family from that crazy good looking thief!" I hope Pavement are worth it.

I overcame the ID problem (it doesn't matter how long you tell a bouncer that 7 in dog years is really 35). I've nicked Ellie's ID - did you know that she's actually a bored 40 year old housewife from Pasadena? She enjoys playing bridge, shopping at the mall and wind-surfing.

The only problem I have with Ellie's ID is that I'll have to wear way too much eyeliner and gaudy red gloss lipstick (that Ellie so loves to wear). I also may be forced back into a moo-moo. I hope that Gladys doesn't think that I'm a bit weird.

Anyway, I've managed to get piccy of Gladys:

Ain't she sweet?

Anyway, I'd better get to the voluminous mailbag:

1. Corey Kennedy:

   "Roge, Have you; thought about getting a caht-room, or a BBS??
   Either would be a great addition.
   Love the page, :-) "
   

   I thought about getting a caht-room to store skins of any South African cahts I scored, but Master Craig said it was unhygenic.

2. Corey:

   "caht" should be "chat" sorry

   Oh, that's not very interesting.

3. excerpts from Roger Homer:

   "Mornin' Craig.
   
   (Master Craig explained that having just finished his masters thesis, he 
   would have plenty of computer time)
   
   Masters degree? is this so you legal types can charge even more money or
   just a piece of paper to prove to Roge that you REALLY are the master in
   your house :-) 
   
   .... I keep forgetting to go and look at Roge's page (don't tell
   Roge this, he might be offended!)
   
   Catcha.
   Roj.

   Ahh, my namesake. Your comments have been duly noted and your status in my esteem accordingly lowered.

   Signed

   
   Master of the House

4. Fritz the Golden Pointer (actually black mutt):

   "Bark!
   
   Hi Roge (and Ellie too), I am the Illustrious Sub-Master of The Kennel
   Fritz. Great title huh?  I think it's a result of having a rather
   theatrical human.  Just barking to say hi, and tell you about me-self.  I
   live in beautiful Southern Illinois USA, near Mt. Carmel.  
   
   My name given me by Master Corey (my human) is actually just Fritz, if you
   would like to know.  I'm nearing on four months of age and, in Master
   Corey's opinion, I'm quite a jumper!  Already I can jump as high as his
   shoulder from a standing start, cool huh?! 
   
   I've noticed many other dogs barking about cats, I have two of the furballs
   in my yard (actually it's Gus's (my uncle and kennel-mate) but he won't
   mind), and I must say they're interesting.  The calico one always hisses
   when I come to sniff it, and the orange just kind-of crouches. 
   
   Well, gotta go, I think Master Mark (Master Corey's pop) is coming (he
   sort-of owns the puter).
   
   Bye now
   
   P.S. please put me on your mailing list, my e-mail is kennedym@midwest.net"
   

   Fritz, thanks for the note, but you really must get your salutations right. "Bark" is very old fashioned. We, here, prefer to just say "Hi".

   I have just one thought for you, Young Fritz. Have you considered what would happen if the tails of the two cahts (a la Corey-speak) were tied together? Which tail is stronger? Which cat has more grunt? When dropped from a massive height, which cat would land on the bottom? The humorous possibilities are endless.

5. Heidi's mum and dad:

   Dear Roger and Ellie, We will just use your master's e mail since you have
   none of your own.  Perhaps he will give it to you without reading it since it
   is stamped "Confidential."   I am sympathetic to your plight.  At least you
   are ahead of me.  You are on the net at the moment.  I am still in the stages
   of creating my first web page so it is not on the net yet, but if it was I
   would turn it any color you needed me to so that you can stay on your own web
   site.  I have a Dogue named Heidi.  She weighs 110 lbs and when she decides
   to get your attention, it is gotten.
   
   She sends her regard to both of you and her full support, along with mine and
   her fathers, for your web days to be unlimited.  You must be allowed to stay
   on the web and to have your own back-yard technology or wherever you need to
   have it-back yard, front yard- or any place in the house.
   
   Heidi is our only daughter, canine or otherwise. She has a feline brother,
   but he lives outside.
   
   You will have to label your Rusty's  Rusty 1 and Rusty 2 so you can recognize
   one from the other.  Surely you notice a difference in their bark?  Maybe one
   a little deeper than the other?  
   
   Here is a great big PROTEST against your losing your web site and a great big
   SUPPORT for your keeping it.
   
   Sincerely,
   Heidi's Mother and Father,
   Pat and Ed Orton  We live at aptagen@aol.com"
   

   Heidi sounds a bit on the rotund side - send our most hearty regards back to her. I picture the little ball with blond ponytails - is that right?

   I like the idea of the cat outside and the dog inside - very 90's of you.

   As for the labelling of the Rusties - are you blind? Rusty 1 is a Collie and Rusty 2 is a Jack Russell - if you can't tell the difference between the two, Heidi is sure to end up eating rat poison rather than doggy chocolates.

   I'll be praying for poor Heidi.

6. Oh, before I forget, Bear and April sent me some nice piccies of themselves. Bear's on the left and April's on the right:

   

   You can tell by the chain who's the bad dog.

To be automatically notified of new postings, please MAIL ME to let me know that you'd like to be included on my mailing list.

Take me to the next diary entry or show me the complete calendar!

I'd be very happy if you'd sign Master Craig's visitors' book before you leave (he won't create one for me).

Return to: The locked/chained world of Rogernald Dogue and Elanor Dogue-Dogue

Return to: The Marvellous World of King Craig