Well, back from another week of boredom....

All, I've managed to do this week is have a bit of a coast about the net. I think that I may be addicted to it:

1. My bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom

2. My computer glasses has Master Craig's main page burned into them

3. My dreams are in HTML

4. When I turn off the modem, I get this awful empty feeling, like I just pulled the plug on a loved one

5. I introduced myself to a new dog on the block the other day as "Roge at csu dot edu dot au"

6. My heart raced and beat irregularly the other day when I saw a new WWW site address on TV (I've never had heart problems before)

7. I turn on the intercom when I leave the room so I can hear if new e-mail arrives

8. When I look at a page full of someone else's links, I normally notice that most of the links are highlighted in purple

9. I've already visited all the links at Yahoo and I'm halfway through Lycos

10. When I check my mail and it says "no new messages", I check it again

11. I refer to my age as 3.x

12. Master Craig told me he's had a beard for three months

13. If I wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom, I normally stop to check my e-mail on the way back

14. I am so familiar with the WWW that I find the search engines virtually useless

15. Ellie recommended the other day that I get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.01 or higher"

16. The last girl I picked up was only a jpeg

17. I tilt my head sideways to smile

18. I can't understand why service providers are allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited"

So, I'm not feeling totally together with the real world - the virtual internet world is much more comfortable. But, I can actually feel my brain expanding! I want to be called "That big braniac dog with the enormous head" - I can even prove it. I've been picking up and remembering a vast array of facts. For example, did you know:

• In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

• No country after getting a McDonalds has fought against another country with a McDonalds.

• No word in the English language rhymes with month.

• The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

• In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

• Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

See, I told you I was starting to feel a whole lot smarter. But,

1. it's
   
2. not
   
3. just
   
4. because
   
5. I
   
6. know
   
7. the
   
8. HTML
   
9. for
   
10. bullets.

Anyway, I've been having a bit of a look over Master Craig's shoulder whilst he's been preparing a sermon (he was asked to give the sermon at his sister-in-law's wedding) - typical of him, he chose Ecclesiastes to talk about. It's one of the more bizarre books of the Bible, since on first blush it seems to say that life is pretty meaningless (I guess especially when you're locked in the backyard without a connection to the net most times).

I would've thought it'd be a bit depressing for a wedding, but he continues anyway. I even heard Mistress Liz advise him that he shouldn't depress the audience - he just keeps tapping away though, ignoring the intelligent advice of dogs and wives alike.

Since I'm a bit "light-on" for material this week, here's all the jokes he's going to say - after editing out the Christian bits - (CAUTION: IF YOU ARE ATTENDING THE WEDDING YOU MUST NOT SPOIL ALL THE JOKES FOR OTHERS):

It’s a bit unusual to choose verses from Ecclesiastes and to actually speak about them at weddings, but weddings are often quite unusual creatures - few public gatherings seem to range across the whole gamut of human emotions:

• the joy of the bride and groom;
  
• the happiness of friends;
  
• a touch of sadness of the parents; and
  
• the frustration of anyone involved in organising the wedding.

In the same way, Ecclesiastes is quite a peculiar book of the Bible. We’ve heard some of the very respectable and lovely things that the book says, but the book also says things like:

• All is vanity (1:2) - "vanity" here is used in the sense that when we search for answers, we can’t find them - life becomes a bit meaningless without answers
  
• All things are wearisome (1:8)
  
• On earth, wicked things are done to the righteous, whilst the wicked are rewarded with good things (8:14)
  
• there is even some plagiarism from The Seekers:

  "...there is a time for every event under heaven -
  		A time to give birth, and a time to die...
  		A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
  		A time to mourn, and a time to dance....
  		A time to love, and a time to hate;
  		A time for war, and a time for peace." (3:1-8)

(Roge: I always thought that it was a Bob Dylan quote.)

There are even some quite peculiar things said in Ecclesiastes:

• "A good name is better than a good ointment" (7:1) - I query whether the bride is trading in her old name for a shiny new one
• "A live dog is better than a dead lion" (9:4) (Roge: I'd argue that even a dead dog is better than a dead lion - far easier to dispose of the body, unless, of course, it was one of those pygmy lions of the English plains that were totally wiped out when the Cocker Spaniel was introduced to England)
  
• "Through inactivity the rafters sag, and through slackness the house leaks" (10:18) - I can attest to this one
• "Wine makes life merry" (10:19) - We all should be able to attest to that one a bit later

From the readings earlier, we have seen that the Preacher of the Bible verses is a wise man. We have heard some comments that are particularly relevant to marriage:

• "Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labour. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up."

  - marriage offers support. On the basis of this verse, I have suggested to Elizabeth (my wife) that she should take out the garbage a bit more regularly, although I think all would agree that this verse shouldn’t be taken out of context and certainly doesn’t apply to nappies.

  ...

• "Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone?"

  - This is certainly a licence to snuggle - there is great warmth in the marriage relationship.

....

It actually turns out that virtually the first half of Master Craig's message is an extended joke - I hope the guy who's running the service checks it all out beforehand - you're not supposed to be funny when you're presenting a Christian message!

Of course, Master Craig ties up all the meaninglessness of everything by showing that you can get meaning from God etc. - so it's not wholly depressing.

I don't know if the jokes will go over that well - they seem a bit tame, although I quite like the dig at the "frustration" encountered by the wedding organisers - I've never heard of a wedding that doesn't involve some type of weapon and a lot of pushing - at least Master Craig is doing his best to remind everyone of all the problems everyone has had with each other before the wedding!

On that note, I'll leave you for yet another week (no mail this week - nobody seems to care about me).

Take me to the next diary entry or show me the complete calendar!

I'd be very happy if you'd sign Master Craig's visitors' book before you leave (he won't create one for me).

Return to: The locked/chained world of Rogernald Dogue and Elanor Dogue-Dogue

Return to: The Marvellous World of King Craig