I want to start today's musings with an entry on Master Craig's visitor's book by Raven:
"Thank you for the entertainment and information. Your Dogs page is completely enchanting. Bravo!!! I have bookmarked your pages!~~~Raven~~~"
This appears to be a note to Master Craig - who does this "Raven" think actually writes all the material - Master Craig certainly doesn't, neither do Mistress Liz, His Majesty Elliot or Stupid Ellie - it all comes down to one very competent canine - Rogernald Dogue.
Oh, if you speak to Master Craig, you'll get stories about how good he is and how he spends so much time working on MY page - but all he is is a typist (not that I have anything against typists - I'm sure that there are very many very nice typists out there who are good at their work - but Master Craig doesn't come up with the ideas, he doesn't even do the artwork. In fact, once I get a bark recognition system (I may need to get a Mac - PC's don't even seem to recognise voices), Master Craig will become wholly surplus (especially when you consider that he doesn't even take us for walks anymore - he's always just curled up in that cosy hut of his.
Whew - I said all that without a breath!
Oh yes, back to little Raven tweety bird - I know what you are - "a large black-plumaged hoarse-voiced bird of crow kind feeding chiefly on flesh and popularly held of evil omen" - you need to get your facts straight before casting aspersions. By the way, Ellie and I like to eat nasty evil birds like yourself for breakfast....
Oh, and Raven, thanks for the very nice comments. We hope that you keep reading our musings - we appreciate every surfer who happens upon our humble page.
I must also have a big whinge today - Ellie and I haven't been for a walk for weeks - all effort on the baby, no effort on the dogs - I think that those who must be obeyed have a latin tag (Bonus Babius Nihil Ambulus Canes).
Master Craig has also been spending a bit of time on catching our mice - we've been breeding them up trying to create large, dumber, slower, tastier mice. We were managing a herd of about 15 at last count (we only have musters once a week due to the size of the yard). Anyway, they were getting big and plump and we were intending to start on some of the choicier ones once the crabapple supply gives out.
Well, what would you know but Master Craig has started setting traps in the garage - he wouldn't have even known about them but a couple of the more brazen one's decided to see if they could move a 20 kilo bag of dog food back to their hole.
Anyway, we've lost about two-thirds of our herd - the rest we've moved under the house to avoid detection.
The problem with breeding really dumb mice is that they keep forgetting that mice traps are not to be played with - they're quite dangerous. Just after you've finished warning them not to lick the peanut butter off the trap with their tongue, they're back there doing it again. We even explained to them that if they sit outside the back door and beg, they're bound to pick up some tasty morsels - much better than a bit of old hardened peanut butter - there's no accounting for taste.
The only other thing that has happened is that Ellie is getting really hassled about being locked in the garage. A couple of nights ago she tried to chew her way out - she hurt her teeth on the bricks, but then decided to try the wooden door - the problem was that she got a fair way through it by the time Master Craig found out. At that point he was not amused and has now liberally dosed the door in pepper. I explained to Ellie that she must blow the pepper off the door before she chews it, but she hates pepper that much that she has some fandangled plan to blow through a long pipe so she doesn't get pepper up her nose - I actually suggested that she may incorporate it into my "contraption" (you need to look back to last year for drawings of it - I haven't worked on it since) so that we can use it as not merely a mouse wrangling device, but also as a pepper remover.
Well, off to the mailbag. First Sooos writes:
Dear Roge, Just a point of correction: " Well, you should've heard Mistress Liz explaining to Young Master Elliot that dogs aren't normally herbivorous (how's the little fellow supposed to understand that anyway when he can't even say his own name)." On the occassions I have visited I don't think I have ever heard you say your name either!!!!!!"
Sorry, who are you Sooos, I don't think that we have met, have we? Anyway, you should remember, if you were as keen a follower of my diary notes as you try to appear to be (is it to appear really cool and hip with Generation X, even though you are probably really really old, listen to Celine Dion and own a cat?) that I have spoken in a diary note - it's certainly in my wide list of commands that I wholeheartedly obey when the slightest word is uttered by Master Craig.
I actually learnt a new command the other day "Write Haikus". I had learnt the commands "Write Prose" and "Write Sonnets" awhile back. I find the Haiku command quite fun due to the more stream of consciousness technique used. I actually want to learn the command "Learn guitar, create a band and become famous", but Master Craig told me that I have to learn to be able to use a human toilet before I could go on bus tours. The reason why I wanted to start a band is because I have some really good band names. I like:
to name just a few.
Next, to Samantha:
"Roger and Ellie,I have a problem........I need to find more time in the day. Mistress Linda tells me that I have to wait till she has time to e-mail you. I find that she has very little time for me. She tells me that I don't understand how busy the world has become. The way that I see it is if mistress stopped going to work she would have more time to write to you . But she doesn't see it my way. Do you have any ideas to put more hours in the day?
I love the pictures of the family...BUT.... why aren't you in the photos? I figured that if you were in the picture that no one would notice the family. Very nice baby, have you been able to teach him any tricks yet? I have been working on a slogan for you. I should send it directly. My first draft was not only vetoed but sent to the recycle bin. I guess it wasn't very good. My favorite slogan is "QUESTION REALITY".
Samantha.
Sam, you raise some very important points - the quitting work idea sounds good as a fantasy, but who would put biscuits on the plate, CD's in the Hi-Fi and Videos in the stereo video machine? However, you do have every right to whinge!
Our omission from the family photos was not an oversight - I was actually taking the photo and deliberately made sure that I cut out Ellie (she refused to smile since she wanted to take the photo).
No tricks for the precious baby, he's being kept snuggly bundled in cotton wool so that he doesn't catch dog germs - what I hear is that it's better to stay away from the monster anyway - his cutting teeth means that he seems to vomit on anything he gets near to.
Thanks for the slogan - but we also need some artwork! Master Craig said that it sounded good but that he would add "Question Reality - But Obey Your Master".
Next, to Dezel dog:
Rogernald,I hope all is well, I am concerned you have gone into hiding because Master Craig got the Volvo not the Fiat you wanted, please talk to us soon.
By way of gossip for master Craig, (in case he has not heard already) his friend Colin will be handing out cigars in about 6 months time and then there will be someone for Baby Elliot to play with.
regards
Dezel
Yeah, Master Craig was really miffed when he found out that I learnt about what that stork is bringing before he did - he wanted to know who told me!
Until His Holiness Master Craig deigns to let me write again....
Take me to the next diary entry or show me the complete calendar!
I'd be very happy if you'd sign Master Craig's visitors' book before you leave (he won't create one for me).
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