Today, I put my paw down.

The University has reorganised its site and Master Craig has been freed to recommence writing my diary notes this week.

He's been whining - oh, I have to mark this, I have to write that - no time, no time. But I know very well the impact that a full commercial edition of Command and Conquer has had on him. Yes, he is busy, but he'd have to make up a lot less time if he didn't have that game. Sure, he's always mucked about with Solitaire on Windows, but after a couple of hours of that he has to recommence working. Command & Conquer is a whole world of itself, though (it has 2 CD's).

Well, his time has come to an end - he's now agreed to write my diary notes reasonably promptly and has sworn allegience to my new mail list. For the uninitiated, the mailing list is a list of people who want to be notified of when a new diary note is posted. I had envisaged that I could include the diary note, but I often use pictures, special formatting, sound etc. that's not so easily presented via email. But the insiders may get a few extra comments that are a bit racey for this more public forum (remember that my date with Gladys Beryl isn't far off). So that should be reason enough to get on the mailing list. So, please MAIL ME to let me know that you'd like to be included on the mailing list.

When I said that I put my paw down, it wasn't without some resistance from Master Craig. He'd been watching Monty Python's Holy Grail movie (he got it for Mistress Liz for Christmas - I wonder whose present that was?) and decided that he was going to set me some tasks (knowing the differences between African, English etc. swallows and that my favourite colour is light grey, Master Craig knew that he was unlikely to beat me with some even carefully honed questions). He therefore required me to complete three tasks.

The first was a puzzle. Master Craig got one kilogram of frozen chips from the freezer and set the horrific task of completing the puzzle (ie. I had to arrange the chips back into potatoes). Well, I'm quite goiod at handling hot potatoes, but these were some very cold ones. Furthermore, Master Craig said that if a single chip was missing my quest would end and so would my homepage.

I must admit that I was a bit scared, but I thought that if any dog could do it, it is Rogernald Dogue of the Fields of the Muskly Butox.

It took me almost 20 minutes to piece together this most difficult of puzzles. I was suspecting that a kilogram of potatoes would be difficult to reconstruct, figuring that that meant about 10 good-sized potatoes, but it turned out that there was only one "potato" present. I say "potato" since it turned out to be really just one very large turnip - very strange (not to mention false advertising).

The next task was not so easy. Master Craig stood on one side of our gate and called Ellie through the bars. Well, Ellie ran straight at the fence and lodged her head between the bars. My task was to remove her head without damaging or excising it. No saws or bars were to be used. Moreover, once I had completed the task, I had to provide Ellie with the appropriate tools so that she could dislodge her own head in future (this problem has arisen numerous times in the past). Well, compared to Ellie's lodged head, the chips were a breeze. The first thought that came to mind was to freeze the head so that it would shrink and therefore be easily freed from the gate. Despite the brilliant idea, I had a lot of trouble getting the freezer over Ellie's head and eventually had to give up after she turned blue (very serious for a predominately black dog). Also, if Mistress Liz had caught me outside with her freezer, Master Craig would've gotten himself in a lot of trouble (I'd dob immediately).

Next, I thought it could be just the fur that's trapping her head. So, I got out the hair clippers and completely shaved Ellie's head and neck - what a geek she is! It turned out that it wasn't the hair at all.

(I can't wait till it starts growing back - she won't know where to scratch first.)

It turned out that it was her ears that were the problem. Now Master Craig specifically said that I could not decapitate her, but said absolutely nothing about whether her ears could be pruned. Anyway, when I proposed the solution to Ellie she said that she wasn't overly keen and would much prefer not to have a homepage than no ears.

But, that got me to thinking - what if I greased the little girl - she should pop straight through. With the help of a bit of lard, she slid effortlessly out. I made her a little bag to carry the lard around her neck (like a St Bernard). She can now get herself out of tight predicaments and is well-liked down at the local gaol.

The last task was the trickiest of all. Mistress Liz used to spend a lot of time in the sun (being an ex-Physical Education teacher). She would therefore normally sport a deep olive tan. However, since taking up a new position since our move to Bathurst, she has become a palid whitish colour more akin to a computer-user. Master Craig's task was that I had to get her brown without the use of expensive tanning machines and/or store-bought lotions.

My initial thought was that we should use the hose to create a large mud bath, but were worried that the neighbours were starting to get a bit suspicious over Ellie running around with a big piece of lard attached to her neck - a mud pool would just confirm any suspicions they had.

Then it came to me - mud would just wash off, but wood stain doesn't come off that easily. In fact exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting attractive alternative to tanning machines and lotions.

The next problem was to convince Mistress Liz of that. That was harder yet again. Eventually, I decided that she doesn't know what is good for her. So, we secretly soaked her black skivvie and track suit pants in brown wood stain....

Unfortunately, she became suspicious once she had put on the skivvy and she didn't actually put on the track suit pants. Nevertheless, Mistress Liz now sports a very attractive Mahogany tan on her face and arms.

Tasks completed.

So, here I am, after much ado - I'm back with a vengeance and a very nifty emailer.

So off to some mail. First, Samantha barks:

"Roger,

I have not written because I have a home page!!!!!!  I now feel that I am
somedog not just one thats lost in the pack.  Check out:
http://members.harborcom.net/~lmk/Index.html.
I have a page just for myself.  I also have told everyone about you and
Ellie. 

I love Haiku and I realy felt very emotional reading yours.  I also wrote
one:

Fat, ever flavorful
I die a little with each bite
Good-By crule world.

I fully agree about your discovery of your inner pup.  I feel that we all
must get in touch with our inner feelings.  In order to completely love
yourself which in turn allows us to be happy we must do this completely. 
The hidden and often neglected inner self is in conflict with the adult
self.   I think you must continue to explore and find the happy inner pup
and bring those feelings and emotions to the surface.  Painful as this
might be I assure you that you will emerge a more active and well rounded
dog.  Go find yourself my friend.  My inner pup wants to relieve herself on
paper.  Especially those of mistress Linda.

I feel that the papers are connected to her work.  Her work takes her away
frome me as I have mentioned recently.  I feel I shall soon connect with
this inner pup.

Samantha, The proud!!!!!!"

Well, Sam, I'm still looking for that inner pup - I feel that I may have digested him. Moreover, I no longer pretend to be well-rounded - I'm now svelte. By the way, you have very lovely green eyes.

Next to April and Bear:

"Hi Ellie and Roger

Summer is finally here and April and I can run and play in the sun or
lay under the maple trees.  Our rest periods are interupted by Chris and
his friends now that school is out for the summer. From June until the
end of August.  I have seen a few new dog in the neighorhood lately. 
When I use Hi there bark they turn and run away.  April says Bear your
bark is too loud.  

By the way did you get our pictures?  Master Don took some new ones of
us.  They should be developed soon and maybe I can get the scanned and
sent to you. 

Our master read some of you letters to us earlier.  Its nice to know we
are not the only dogs with points to get across.  Like why is it that we
get flea baths and some liquid on the back of our necks.  All the cats
get is the liquid.  You should see the fight Simon and Louis put up when
they get the flea liquid. We like to watch everyone chase the cats
around the home.  We even place bets on where they will hide and who
gets caught first.

Will write again soon.

April and Bear"

Next, to Max:

"G'day, Rog 'n' El,

I'm a N.American Weimaraner named Max, and I have my own
web site and my own Internet domain.  I run (and my Food
Person Jeff implements) a site devoted to off-lead dog
activities here in San Francisco, California, Earth, the
Solar System, the Milky Way, the Universe As We Know It.

I spend a lot of time trying to deal with the fact that
human beings have very, very small anal pores which clench
at the thought that there might be a dog in the vicinity
that is not chained to its master with a lead.  My nose
has apparently proved to be ineffective at unclenching these
anal sphincters.

I hope that you are allowed to remain on your Internet
server, but if not you can email me at max@freedog.com.
(My human insists on using "jeff@freedog.com" as the outgoing
address, but "max@freedog.com" will get to me just fine.

Cheers, mate!
Max"

Anyway, Max, glad to have you aboard.

Until next time....

To be automatically notified of new postings, please MAIL ME to let me know that you'd like to be included on my mailing list.

Take me to the next diary entry or show me the complete calendar!

I'd be very happy if you'd sign Master Craig's visitors' book before you leave (he won't create one for me).

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