Well, he's let me on again - but it took awhile (105 February 13972). The gardening thing didn't go so well - he's very finicky. But I'm not going to talk about that - he's banned me from computer games for a week (but Mistress Liz has let me have a go when the oh-so-great Master Craig isn't around - I think all he needs to do is a bit of tobogganing (it works for me)). Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I think the "Presidents of the US" are just great - I wouldn't have even let in Kitty, although I find plums much more satisfying than peaches. Valentine's Day didn't go that well - it always reminds me that I'm only half a dog.

133 February 13972: Well, time has passed and the bizarre gardening incident has also seemingly passed. I really must get around to doing more gardening - I seem to have a greenclaw. We decided to take ourselves for a walk the other day (we're certainly old enough - Ellie is 9 and I'm 35) - a dog in his 30's is a real force to be reckoned with. This is especially the case, since my mother was from Labrador (and we all know that the Labradorian have a tendency to become a little on the "stocky" side). My father, though, was German. He was an excellent "pointerer outerer" of lots of things - I inherited much from him (I often just hang around the house pointing out doors, windows, peculiar shaped bushes etc). Anyway, getting back to our walk, I dug a small opening under the fence (Master Craig sarcastically said that he'd only have to bow his head to walk under the fence - he exaggerates - I would think that even kneeling he would have to bow his head). We then just visted the local school, shops and Ellie's favourite - the stormwater channel. We met lots of people and, I think, matured in our understanding of the world. Unfortunately, Master Craig got home before us, so we didn't have time to fill in our "exit". Master Craig's not a very happy master, anymore. Nevertheless, I'm trying to keep looking at the brighter side of life - I'm reading "The Great Escape" and learning how to whistle that very fetching title tune.

147 February 13972: Our genius in the backyard here has at last been acknowledged. Our friend Cathie from the Centre for the Easily Amused has told us that "It's so nice to see something original!" You know it's quite true - very few dogs have their own homepage. Carrying on from our conversation the other day, you know it's very hard for dogs to whistle. We have very little oral muscular control - I guess that's why we drool so much, although a good drool is often worth a thousand barks. Ellie likes to think that she doesn't drool. She's normally pretty good, but if you watch carfully when she drinks you can easily see a large amount of backwash - I don't like drinking from the same bowl as Ellie (Master Craig is quite unhygenic). You know, I floss. I use sticks, garden furniture etc. - you can really get in with a good peice of cedar. Ellie, though, doesn't floss - it's not fair that we have to drink from the same dish.

154 February 13972: The sewerage blocked up today and we got the most wonderful exotic smells wafting about. Ellie and I are just so excited that Master Craig has decided to do this for Ellie and I. I have vowed that as a special present for Master Craig I will dig a small trench near where the overflow is so that we can store any leakage (it's the least I can do). Now for some business. I only just got over telling you about our "friend" Cathie when we discovered her sporting the following image on her page:

This is blatant exploitation. Oh, nice doggy, pretty doggy, let me take your picture because you're oh so beautiful. Well how about those normal dogs that are not so thin and beautiful (not to mention white). Cathie, you're giving Masters around the world a bad body view of the shape of a dog. Do you know that traditionally dogs were portrayed as somewhat "buxom" and it is only in recent times that the media has seen fit to show us as waifs? I put forward the following as a suitable picture for the Centre for the Easily Amused (I think it is more in keeping with the diversity of people accessing your pages):

182 February 13972: Well, Cathie is our friend again. She wrote:

Dear Roger,

While I can understand that you were upset by the appearance of the Rat Dog
From Hell on our page, please be that it was not our choice, & has nothing
to do with the C*E*A.  He belongs to General Media, & since we are the end
of their lost dog surfing contest, he has to live on our page for awhile
longer.  (Hint:  since you already know where the winner is, enter their
contest!)

We regret any inconvenience this may have caused you.  Please rest assured
that should we choose another dog's portrait to grace our page, we will
definitely keep you in mind.

My best to Master Craig,

Cathie

I would like to say that I'm sorry at jumping off the deep end like I did (I guess it may have been a bit of professional dog jealousy coupled with my German heritage).

Whilst surfing the net, I recently met up with the Big Scary Housewife from the Suburbs. She asked me what I thought she'd be doing with a handbag filled with:

. a small candle
. lip balm
. a correction pen
. an AA battery; and
. a crochet hook.

As I regard myself as a dog with a high IQ and sleuthing experience (after all I was the one who solved the neighbourhood's biggest crime to date - who stole Mr Burns' dog's bone) - I answered as follows:

"I choose to comment on the handbag. It's obvious that you're going to a murder.

Murder makes you a bit nervous (not that you haven't done it many times before) - but the family life has taught you to value life in some forms. Hence your lips become dry (a nervous disorder) and you need the lip balm to ensure that you are not detected).

Although most people have pens lying around (hence there is no need to take a pen), most people don't have correction pens lying around. Hence if you were to murder someone and try to make it look like a suicide or a natural death, you'd want to be able to correct any mispellings in any notes left (careful that you leave that pen behind, if you use it!).

The small candle, I admit, is a little curious - especially since you have no matches. But when you think about it it is entirely obvious. The candle is not to be lit it is to be held in your teeth. I have already spoken of your nervousness (hence the lipbalm) - but dry lips isn't the only result of your nervousness - chattering teeth is another problem. The candle stops any chattering. I believe that the chattering is made all the worse due to your false teeth.

Lastly, the murder weapon. Obviosly the crochet hook is a metal one. You attach it as an electrode to the aa battery and use the assemblage as an electric prod.

I suspect that the person you are to murder has a pacemaker and it is that pacemaker that you want to throw out of kilter so that the murder looks like a natural death. If you're satisfied that the murder looks like a natural death, no suicide note will be left. If it looks suspicious, for example, if you have to use the prod a large number of times, a suicide note will be left.

It's all elementary."

Well, back to the real world, we enjoyed the weekend. We lay around the backyard and inside the house for almost the whole thing! I'm glad that I didn't have to take Master Craig for a walk - although he does need his exercise, it really tires Ellie and I to have to pull him along.

196 February 13972: Well, time is happily flowing on - not much has been happening at Rancho Rogo - I'm finding that our food is attracting a lot of birds. By lying still, I'm trying to encourage them to jump on my back and remove fleas (I saw a wildlife programme on the Gnu the other day and really quite liked the idea of artificial flea removers). Unfortunately, Ellie views them as another source of protein and they're becoming a bit skittish. Today, I received a note from Brutis Denmark Collins on Master Craig's visitor's book saying:

"You have such an intelligent dog. Pardon my bluntness, but how do dogs type without fingers? Does Roge hold a pen in his mouth and press the keys? Inquiring minds would like to know."

Well, I certainly agree that I'm an intelligent dog. I replied to the other points as follows:

Dear Mr Brutis

Master Craig has handed your query over to me (Roger) to answer.

In my "Cautionary Note" at the beginning of my musings I mention 
that I have enlisted the aid of Master Craig.  Well he does the 
typing as I dictate.  You wouldn't think that I'd let him get 
involved in the subject matter!  His understanding of the 
complexities of doggy life is - to put it bluntly - pedestrian (and 
he only has 2 legs).

There is an example of my typing also in the Cautionary Note - I'm 
not a very good typist due to the spacing of my toes and the fact 
that I can't really use my dewclaws for anything other than when I 
want to ensure a firm grasp on Master Craig's stomach.

I really do like your suggestion about holding a pen in my mouth - 
unfortunately, things I hold in my mouth tend to become excessively 
slippery (I have a saliva gland disorder which produces tremendous 
amounts of "dog water" - I really liked Ren Hoerck's idea that such 
water should be bottled and sold as a delicacy, especially since I 
could contribute so much - every now and then when Master Craig isn't 
concentrating I give him some, although Ellie's even better than I am 
since she can jump from a standing start and lick Master Craig on the 
lips even though he's over 6 feet tall).

Thanks for the message.

By the way, Brutis is a very nice name.

Roge

I guess that the letter may satisfy a great deal of curiousity out there, but remember:

Master Curiousity had the cat and all its kittens killed and fed to rapacious wolfhounds

Take me to the next diary entry!

I'd be very happy if you'd sign Master Craig's visitors' book before you leave (he won't create one for me).

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