7 March 13972: Master Craig still hasn't won out over the somewhat evil Mistress Liz on the famed backyard internet connection. Please feel free to drop Mistress Liz a line on this most important issue (so many of you blacked out your pages over censorship - but this is a step more important - we are censored from even seeing the net unless accompanied by a master). In this regard, we thank Carol for her support in Master Craig's visitor's book on 203 February:
"Well I just love the doggy Journal. Go on Master Craig! Let them have their own outdoor connection to the web!"
We feel that this is an issue worth growling over. As an action in this regard we ask you to make your screens white in protest over Mistress Liz's actions. It is only through banding together that we may possibly hope to overcome oppressive technocrats.
If you whiten your screens let us know and we'll add you to the "Page of Protest".
On a sadder note, we're sorry to hear of the passing of "Stampy":
It is always sad to see a fellow dog with internet access depart from this mortal coil.
28 March 13972: Another day another biscuit.... There seems to be some confusion out there as to doggy diary dates - I haven't bothered converting them from doggy to human years - after all this is a doggy homepage. The mailbag is getting a bit full so here's our most recent mail:
First, a note from Stampy's owner (received last Friday):
"That's so thoughtful of Roger and Ellie to remember Stampy. I'm sure that somewhere in the doggie afterlife he's appreciative. He's probably sniffing God's crotch right now as his way of saying, 'Thanks for filling the world with good dogs like Roger and Ellie.' Fred"
Thanks Master Fred for your kind comments. We are a little worried about Fred though, because in a subsequent note to Master Craig, he says:
I think my 12-week-old puppy, Shadow, might soon write Rodger and Ellie. I've made a functional input device from a surplus brain scanner and a pcm modem that allows him direct e-mail access without my editorial supervision. I apologize in advance if his language is a little foul, but what do you expect from an animal who ingests his own excrement? I hope it's just a phase he's going through."
We're not at all concerned with Shadow's dietary supplements (although you can never stress too much the importance of oral hygiene following meals) - certainly Ellie went through the eat anything that smells vaguely doglike, but she's grown up and it is only now on the odd occasion that we'd consider partaking in the odd brownie.
Our problem lies in how this apparatus is attached to Shadow. We stand firmly against any device that might harm Shadow in any way. Certainly, I'd be very cautious about anything that might play havoc with my brain waves - last time I ate a petrified plum I'm sure I felt my brain get damaged and I wouldn't like to have that experience again. I could, however, experiement first on Ellie.... I do like the idea of being able to post directly to my page without Master Craig's intervention.
Next, to Carol mail
Master Craig is delighted in getting an award for winning the contest for the handbag competition - see our February's musings. Unfortunately, it was not his entry. This is what happened:
Dear Rogernald & Elanor Please inform Master Craig that the big scary housewife has turned her page white in support of your most worthy cause. Could you ask Master Craig what he wants to do about the small prize he won for the inaugral contest? Sorry only humans could REALLY win but I promise to include a tidbit for you: since it was really your entry, Rogernald ole pal! Carol
Thankyou, for supporting our cause, but I take offense at the "only humans could really win" line - I come across this all the time - No, you can't sit at the dinner table - No, you can't have the car keys - No, you can't have an outdoor internet connection....
I'm really getting a bit fed up with it all. All I can say to Carol is that I hope that the "tidbit" is quite a large cow shank and that it properly rots in the mail so that I can tuck straight into it when it arrives. Otherwise, why should I enter "human" competitions?
Regardless, this is my entry for Carol's newest contest (the contest asks what items Carol has forgotten to buy at the supermarket - she says that, amongst other things, she bought "bush biscuits" and "soya drink"):
There are a lot of things you have forgotten from your shopping list. perhaps the most important is some Bush's Detergent - because the bush for which you bought biscuits would surely want to freshen up before afternoon tea (bark, bark, bark). You might also want some peppermints to take away the taste of that Soy drink. Rogernald Dogue and Elanor Dogue-Dogue
Back to our immediate life - it's raining today - I like sitting out in the rain then rubbing up against Master Craig - he seems to enjoy it - I think he likes considering himself a Roger Shroud of Turin. Also, rain makes digging far easier - I've got a bit behind recently so the rain is welcome. You should see the state of my nails! Master Craig (after we tunnelled out last time) chose to use concrete to fill the hole - well, cement is one thing but concrete is entirely different - ouch.
42 March 13972: Good to get back to the net. I've been spending a bit of time in the garage lately - Master Craig really doesn't understand the uplifting adventures I get up to when out. Ellie seems to be softening in her old age. I was inside the house this morning and I saw Ellie outside just watching a blackbird and then a sparrow go and eat out of our food bowl. Only the other day she would've tried to pounce.
Talking about pouncing, we went on a walk with Master Craig and Mistress Liz last night. Ellie tried to get a kid's glider that he was throwing about - I guess she thought it was a big slow bird that was worth eating. We also met a kitten that seemed to not notice us - stupid cat - Ellie tried to get at it and as it ran up a tree, she tried to jump off Mistress Liz to get lift - Mistress Liz was not very happy (I know that you can only do that sort of thing to Master Craig - especially since Mistress Liz would only be marginally heavier than me - although she does seem to be putting on some weight).
Now, to matters of epistles. I received the following letter from my namesake:
My name is Roger Good-Dog. I live in south St. Louis, Missouri, USA. My people are Elizabeth and Jay. I have a bird, a python, and two cats. I live inside. My real name is Razha, but since I live in St. Louis, I'm called Roger so people won't think I'm putting on airs. I watch a lot. I drag my blanket around. I open Elizabeth's bedside table drawer and eat the fruitcake she keeps there. I try to get the cats (Mistress Yofi and Master Bates) to play with me, but they won't do it. We go to the Park sometimes and I can chase squirrels. What are you listening intently for? Roger
I have a bit of a bad feeling about Roger Good-Dog for two reasons:
Some of my suspicions may be allayed by the fact that Roger Good-Dog lives inside (which tends to make dogs a bit sissy - that's why I'm worried about being locked in the garage - but I still have tools to chew on etc. - so the garage isn't too bad - but inside?). Anyway, Roger Good-Dog asks me what I listen for - any dog should know that the first doggy rule is to listen for ANY NOISE WHATSOEVER and then lose control barking and jumping etc. So I agree with Roger Good-Dog that watching is very good, but a good watcher should also be a good listener.
Next, the cat thing. I've seen it happen to other dogs. You get friendly with cats at an early age and then - *pow* - suddenly you're wearing a cat's collar, eating cat food, rubbing up against people.... Roger Good-Dog are you a dog or a cat? You should be chasing the cats, keeping them hauled up in one room of the house.
Otherwise, Roger Good-Dog you sound OK. Chasing squirrels (and any other rodent pest) is always to be congratulated. Likewise, eating any food left unattended is a dog's duty - especially if you don't get found out. Just one word of advice, birds and pythons do constitute dog food.
56 March 13972: Well, the Shadow saga continues with this note from his Master (remember how I was concerned with his brainwave machine):
Rest assured that Shadow's apparatus is strictly nondestructive and his use of it is strictly voluntary. I'm sure he'll state his case and reassure Roge and Elle shortly, but right now destroying household goods takes up a good deal of his time.Until then, you might want to tell Roge and Elle that Shadow's fine with the apparatus. I think he's a geek dog. fred
And, lo and behold we just got our first note from the Shadowman himself:
Roge and Elle Sorry I haven't e-mailed earlier but in case you don't remember, being a puppy is a full-time job, and complicated, too. It's hard setting priorities. I mean, what should I do first? Bite, lunge and nip, chew valued possessions of my master, chew my master, or just snarf my own waste? I try to do them all at once, all day long, because, well, I don't know how to do anything else yet. My master, it seems, isn't very playful. I mean, I run up and bite his ankles, and all he does is lift me by the scruff of my neck and say, "No!" What does "No!" mean? I've tried all kinds of things to get him to play. I bark at him, invite him to play "catch-me-if-you can," and try to steal his food, but all I get is "No." Weird. Out of boredom I've taken to turning my water bowl over, which is fun for a second or two, but then sort of anticlimactic, especially when I get thirsty, which often happens after I eat a brownie. Well, since I'm a puppy with a short attention span, I guess that's all for now. It's almost 3:30 in the morning so I guess I better go wake up my master and bite him. I hope you two are well. Dig up a bush for me! yours, Shadow
Well, I must say that Shadow writes very well for a puppy. First, dealing with the "No" phenomenon. I think it means something like "Good Boy" in a homo-atavistic sense. The scruff of the neck thing though is a bit degrading - the only way I've found to overcome that problem is by becoming more than 45 kilos - Master Craig may still try but he hasn't got a hope (at least without risking a hernia).
I must commend you, Shadow, on being able to turn your water bowl over - Ellie and I always enjoy a good "flip" - it's so funny how the water once it leaves the bowl just spreads out - it really is amazing - like on one hand the rain falls down in straight lines, whereas the water just spreads. Ellie and I keep doing the same thing with our food bowl, but we actually have to manually spread it. If only we could work out a way to automatically spread our food, life would be grand.
One problem we now have with flipping is that Master Craig, in an attempt to counteract our flipping, has started using large buckets - they're very heavy - so it's hard to flip - but when you do *wowee*.
As to your thirst problem, I haven't yet come to a solution for the thirsty thing - food doesn't seem to help.
Shadow, I like the cut of your jib. The very fact that you're willing to wake up at 3:30am to bite your master demonstrates a tenacity that is so commonly missing in puppies today - I won't dig up a bush for you - I'll do two!
Lastly, we're getting some favourable comments from Acme Pet where we feature as a canine publication (how true).
Take me to the next diary entry!
I'd be very happy if you'd sign Master Craig's visitors' book before you leave (he won't create one for me).
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